One Little Window

on change

2012-02-02T00:27:00.000-08:00

The past week the comedy of having a newborn and a 2 1/2 year old has been striking me. Of all the ages and stages that children will go through, so often I hear the worst are newborn, 2 1/2, and teenager. Right now I have one of each, as these little humans gp through "difficult" phases, one of the more challenging phases for parents to deal with. In about 13 years I'll have two teenagers, instead. Oh my! But when I see my son going through such an obvious 2 1/2 year old moment, or throwing a 2 1/2 year old tantrum, all I feel for the most part is compassion. When I get tired of being available at every minute for my newborn, of responding to every cry, responding to every desire for food, getting up so often in the dark to take care of a need, yes I'm tired, of course I'm sleepy and would love a day for self-care. But the feeling I get from these parenting moments, the frustrations I may feel, are not what one might think. They're not what I would have thought before I became a parent. You see, I see these "kids" as little people. I know them well, really well. There's never been more than a handful of hours that I've been away from either of them. I know them well, well enough to understand that these difficult "phases" have a purpose, are their natural reaction to an incredible amount of change.

Within the last week my daughter has learned to hold her head up without looking like a bobble-head figurine set on the dashboard of a car. She has learned that even if she's not REALLY hungry, that one cry that she uses, just so, alerts Mama quite nicely that she'd like to nurse. She's learned the delight of a mirror, and of a piece of fabric moving around in circles, hanging from a ceiling fan. In the past 7 weeks she's learned to see, to digest food, to breathe, to eat, to cry, to smile, to snort, to listen to her family and follow them around with her eyes. In other words, she's learning. A lot. I can't imagine a time when a human goes through more change than those amazing months after birth. I'd probably cry, want comfort, and sleep badly too.

Within the past several months my son has learned to go to sleep nearly on his own, to adjust to a baby sister and the enormous changes that brought in his daily life, a different winter schedule and activities. He's nearly learned to use the potty, he's learned his ABCs, 123s, he's learned to talk in more complete sentences. He's learned to say thank you after he says NO. He's grown from a short slightly round toddler to a tall slightly scrawny kidlet. In other words, he's in the middle of a stage where there are so many developmental changes, and so many changes surrounding his life, that a little bit of unease with it would be natural, it would seem to me.

Our family is also in the midst, as we chart and plan a pretty big move, some day in the future. We're processing all that this change means, all that we have to do. We're adjusting from being a family of 3, to a family of 4, figuring out how the dynamics of that work best for us. We're ALL in the midst of change.

So there are tantrums, there is crying, there is weariness, but weariness with purpose. Not the hopeless kind that can feel so debilitating. It's the weariness you get after doing a lot of good work, or working hard for something you believe in.

There's a chair that I often nurse in. My kids as babies are nurslings who'd prefer to do little else but nurse. We are attached parents, and if I'm physically able to at all, I respond to her desire and need for it. I trust that if she wants to, for food or comfort, than it will make her feel loved and confident if I am able to provide it. So I have this chair, with my laptop nearby, knitting, 4 books, a blanket, and usually food. I spend a lot of time there. So when my girl wants to nurse she lets me know in either delicate or quite obvious ways, and if my son is occupied or someone is here to play with him I go to my chair. Well, as soon as she sees me going to that area she quiets down, looks happy and excited. And peaceful. And delighted. She knows what it means when we go to that chair. She's learned that. She's learned how to alert me, she's learned oh so very much. And that mastery of her universe delights her, I can see it in the way her tiny little hands grasp at nothing, just waiting to be able to grasp at my shirt or a blanket when she's able. I can see it in the very knowing look in her eyes.

Yesterday I was sitting in this chair for a bit. My son was in the other room painting with grandma. All the sudden he screams with delight, and runs in to me. He so excitedly runs toward me announcing, "I painted a dragon", "I painted a dragon". And again, "I painted a dragon, mommy, I painted a dragon". Oh his face was lit up with delight. The feelings of excitement, discovery, pride and joy in his face so expressive, and beautiful, and magnificent, and pure. He had, indeed, painted a dragon. He'd been painting green with his big brush as always and when he looked at it, discovered a dragon, which we all agreed did, indeed, look like a dragon. It's his first painting of anything he can recognize that he did himself. Until now he'd watched us try to paint what he requested, probably wondering at the ability and magic that made us able to do it. Now he discovered that same magic within himself.

Later that day my girl decided to scream at me for quite a while because I had the nerve to need to go to the bathroom and eat something. Later that day at dinner my son proceeded, again, to try to throw most of his dinner on the ground and sit in the corner a couple times.

And me, well yesterday the morning was overwhelming and I was grumpy. The afternoon felt purposeful and I was focused, and the evening felt long and I was grumpy again. And now, I can't sleep. Which is ridiculous if you knew how little sleep I get. But I'm in the midst of change. It's quite possible that within a week we'll make an offer on a house. In another state. Oh, the midst of change. It's a good thing. It's a joyous thing. It's a purposeful thing, and a smart thing. It's something we've thought about, talked about, hoped for, and planned for, for so long. But still, when you're in the middle of change it rocks the equilibrium of your mind and body a little bit.

So, here we all are, this beautiful family I have. Sound in body and mind, most of the time. Joyous and excited for all that is to come, most of the time. But also, naturally dealing with all the change that we are going through, trying to ebb and flow with the emotions and difficulties that can arise because of it. A blog, SouleMama, that I like had a post that just keeps sticking in my head. "Hold them and take of your self" she offered as advice to her sister, a new mother, after she had her first children. It is such good advice. As a parent I think one of the things you can learn, if you're patient enough to let yourself learn it, is just to love. To hold them, and love them. My grandma, who had 9 babies, gave my mother advice which she says and gives to me. It is possibly the best advice I've gotten as a parent. When dealing with a problem, a difficulty with a baby or toddler, while many people will respond with techniques, charts, schedules, stories, my grandma would respond, "Just love them".

"Just love them". Hold them, love them, and take care of yourself. So as my family navigates through the ebb and flow? I hope to see us as the humans that are dealing with so many changes, as the people learning and discovering so many things. I hope to remember to have lots of patience, even for myself. Change is required with growth. Everything to come, I know, is worth the effort. So here I will remain, trying to love us all, especially through the frustrating or messy bits. There will be a lot required of me up ahead. Lots of work, thought, planning and effort. But also lots of love.

On motherhood

2012-01-13T01:47:00.000-08:00

I didn't always think I'd be a mother. I didn't want to bring kids into the world with a sub-par partner, and for most of my life thought the chances of finding someone who I thought I'd be able to call a life-long partner and father to my kids were pretty slim. Little did I know I'd be one of the lucky ones. But I'd lived a pretty full life before my kids were born. I had plans, which I still have. I guess I basically was never one of those people who was waiting to live my life until I got married and had kids. And there were years where I thought I wouldn't have any. It wasn't that I didn't aspire to have kids, but I thought if it wasn't in the cards it was because I was meant to put that energy into something else, some other purpose. I think it's partly why I often thought about teaching and sporadically pursued a teaching certification to teach other people's kids.

So looking at this role, motherhood, looking at this life as a mother of a 2 year old and a 1 month old... I have a perspective on it that colors my days and years. I don't take it for granted. Either the joys or difficulties. Many, if not most, of my friends do not have kids. I, until so recently, didn't either. And yet now, with a matched set of kids, I can't even imagine not having them both in my life.

There's this thing that happens when people talk about being a mother. In the books, the movies, the how-to-parent books, the "what to expect" books, in the gossip, the comedies, the tragedies, in the way "motherhood" is portrayed. It's shown either as this ethereal, miraculous, beautiful thing where everything is pastel, soft, comfortable, beautiful, covered in purposeful beautiful soft white light. In this view everything is perfect. The babies all smell lovely. The days all begin with a beautiful sunrise, end with a balanced meal and a hug before bed. In this view everything is rosy. Or, there's the other view. I always think of a scene in "Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya sisterhood". The mother is in the bathroom with her kids, all who are sick, all who are crying, all who are puking. It's crazymaking, horrible, chaotic. In this view everything is exhausting, there is no sleep, there's crying, lots of noise, no peace to be had.

The problem that I have with both of these views is that in my experience neither of them is true. I think most mothers are scared to even admit to the difficult parts of motherhood because they're convinced somehow it means they don't love their kids. And the bad parts of motherhood? Well, they can be funny, dramatic, and so are often exagerated for effect.

So here is what I think. Of course it's difficult. A stay at home parent can be lonely, your days and minutes are not your own anymore. There will be some amount of sleeplessness. There will probably be more crying than you'd like, maybe even your own. But it's the difficult bits that I think are valuable as well as the easy ones. They make you grow. You see, I think when you become a parent you're being asked to step up to the plate. Basically, you're being asked to be the adult. Life is a long journey of growth, and the best education I've ever gotten has been from my kids over the past 2 1/2 years.

So yes, I'll admit it, and I think many moms have felt the same. There are times I want to go to the bathroom by myself, lock myself in there with some loud music and hide for an hour. There are times when I ache for an adult to talk to. There are times when I look at my toddler throwing a fit about something and just get frustrated that he can't be reasonable. There are times when my newborn won't stop nursing, pooping or crying, and yes they can feel crazymaking.

But also, there are times when I see my 2 year old sleeping when I'm about to wake him up, I gaze at his face and his messy hair strewn around him on the pillow, his little slightly pudgy hand so relaxed next to him, and I know without a doubt, without any single smidge of doubt from anywhere in my body, that he is one of the 2 best things I've ever done in my life. There are times when I hear something he says from another room, knowing his little toddler speak will only get clearer and clearer, losing all aspects of babyness. I hear his thoughts in such creative, amazing ways. The sound of his voice in these moments makes me smile, makes me feel joy in a part of my body so deep that I can only describe it as my soul. There are times when I sit in the dark with my newborn as she nurses, the house quiet, I stroke her tiny head, her soft fine hair, I feel her tiny hands and fingers on me as her little body relaxes so deeply, curls around me. The rightness, the comfort, the love... Holding my newborn when she's at peace is 10 times more amazing and warm than the best hug any adult can give. There's just something about it. Looking in her eyes, wondering who she's going to be, what she's going to look like? It's the most inspiring awe-some thing I've ever experienced.

I've always had goals, I've always wanted to do things, enjoy things, see things, experience things. But having my kids with me, even through the intense first month of a child's life, not only gives me strength to do these things, but enhances my ability to enjoy them. Maybe I have less time now, but the time that I do have is heightened, intense, so much more vibrant than it would be without them.

So, in my experience being a mother takes a lot of time. The snapshot above is my early morning today. My miracle baby girl slept 5-6 hours in a row last night after not sleeping most of the day. So I stayed up when she awoke. She now lies back upstairs sleeping, so I sit at the computer trying to come up with words to take notice of my life. Trying to come up with words that explain this impossible thing to explain, the deep truth of the experience of motherhood. My words are surrounded emotionally by all the love and all the challenge that I feel. And physically they're surrounded - completely surrounded - by unfolded diapers. I washed the diapers last night, throwing them on the kitchen table to fold this morning. But this morning what is more important to me in this little bit of time I have in solitude, in peaceful darkness, is that I try to center myself with these words and explain this amazing experience. So here I sit, with truth and inspiration and aspiration as my center, and the busy details of this life I try to explain sitting all around me.

The first month of a baby's life I find to be intense, they will cry, they won't sleep as much as you'd like. You may very well cry more than you'd like to admit. The first year is a trip, going by somehow both really slow and really fast. As soon as you feel like you've got this parenthood thing down, they'll change dramatically throwing you off your game again. After 2 years? Well, I have yet to see how the rest of it all goes. I haven't slept through the night in 3 years, 2 hours by myself now feels like a luxury. In little ways and big ways my life is different than it was before. Different, but better.

I still want the same things I wanted before I had kids. I have some non-kid things I want to pursue. Right now I might have less time to pursue them, but quantity is not the most important thing. Every thought, every morsel of time right now is focused. Motherhood has given me an intensity of pursuit. It's given me focus, confidence, strength and courage. I'm a better and stronger person now than I was before my kids. So what I do pursue will be better, what I am able to do will be more authentic.

And besides all that, my kids and our family make me happy. Playing on a beach with my son is more fun, more joyous, than anything I experienced without him. Our home, even with the cornbread crumbs on the floor, unfolded diapers on the kitchen table, and changing table where the couch used to be, is more comfortable, more cozy, more HOME than it ever could be without them. Maybe I don't sleep for 8 hours any more, but the peace and rest I feel when my head hits the pillow, my husband and son sleeping on the right side of the room, my newborn sleeping on the left, is a deeper sense of peace than I'd ever feel without any of them. With my kids in my life, in my heart, filling up so much of my days and my soul, when I see a sunrise the colors are more vibrant. When I hear a song that speaks truth it resonates in my mind and soul deeper. When I hear the call of a bird I hear the sound in a new way, I hear the magic and mystery of it. When I see anything amazing, it's these little people that I want to show it too. Having my kids makes me want to write as much truth as I can for as long as I live. They make me want to play in the snow, watch a sunrise, dance to any music. They make me want to explore the world anew, showing them every amazing thing we come across. They make playing in the snow, or digging in the dirt more fun. They remind me to find the joy in watching a chicken dig in the dirt, catch raindrops in my mouth, and snuggle under a blanket. They just make everything better.

What it comes down to is this. Love is a good thing. Loving makes you a better person. And the love you feel for your kids is more powerful and unlike any other. It makes your life more worth living, your joys more potent, and your sorrows and difficulties worth it.

In one short month

2012-01-12T02:05:00.000-08:00

My dear girl, Four weeks ago today you were born. Having a child is beyond amazing. The fact that one tiny little person can alter your world, alter your days, alter your consciousness so much, in one short month, is just a part of it. In this tiny little month I've gotten to know you, and am beginning to imagine the kind of person you might be. Firstly, I think you are going to be way cooler than your mama. I have a feeling that many times, probably especially when you're a teenager and adult, you'll say to me, "mama, relax". You are just cooler, you chill, you're confident. I think it's possible that you're a more evolved human than I am... and you're one month old. The way you hold your little head up already, the way you let your arms relax, confidently, only looking tense or frantic if you're mad, makes me think that you'll go through life with a sureness. And speaking of mad, you're slow to get there. You're patient, I think you have a pretty high tolerance. But when you finally get mad, well, goodness are you mad. When you finally decide something is wrong and get mad about it, the determination to fix whatever ails you is something to behold. The strength of your little arms and legs as you try to fight your way towards whatever you desire is amazing to me in such a tiny little person. The decibel of the scream you can let out is really quite impressive!

One Day Old

You let out adorable groans and grunts in your sleep, you love looking around, you love to be a part of the action, you move around with me and do things, you have really healthy and gorgeous chipmunk cheeks. You love staring up at people, wondering things, looking at things. You are very strong, with your arms and legs so powerful I have no doubt that you could get anywhere you wanted to go if you were given the chance. Your eyes are dark, beautiful and mysterious. Your nose is perfect. Your mouth is incredibly expressive.

You sleep at night, with grace, with confidence and comfort. You doze off and on during the day, far too busy eating and absorbing the world to do anything else.

In one short month you have taught me to relax, you have taught me to be brave, you have taught me to stop, snuggle, and feel love. In this one short month you have let me watch you, hold you, feed you, wondering at what you will look like and who you will be. I loved you the second I knew you existed, but discovering these things, slowly, is what makes me know you, and fall in love with you.

Almost 2 weeks old

Your daddy is in awe of you, and quite smitten. Your brother, while still unprepared to share his toys with you, is always very concerned where you are if you're missing, sleeping somewhere when he wakes up. He calls you "flouisa". I'm not sure why. He loves touching your hair and calls it soft. He seems fascinated by the smallness of your feet.

I can't wait for the next month. But even more, I can't wait for the upcoming years, when I know even more of who you are, when I can begin to hear the thoughts in your head. I can't wait till I can watch you watch your first sunset or feel the first rainfall on your face. There are many adventures that our little family is about to undertake, now that we are complete with you in our midst.

Almost 4 weeks old

My dear girl, I don't like to put our names out there in cyberspace, where these words are saved for you to find some day if you'd like. But I'd like to tell you about your middle name. I've given you the name Roma. This is not after the country, or the tomato. It is after the people known commonly as gypsies. These people might be thought of as travelers, they might be thought of in many other ways. But they are also an incredibly rich, amazing and unique group of people that are always at home. They carry the knowledge of themselves with them wherever they go, always authentic to themselves, always finding culture in their history, family, food, and ways of living. As a child, young woman, a woman, and an old woman, I want you to always always always feel at home in yourself. I hope that our family and home, that the culture and community you grow up in give you a firm foundation, a sense of yourself, a sense of where you came from. I hope that I can help you be confident and that you'll have strength in the person you discover and know yourself to be. And I hope that you realize how amazing that person is and are always true to yourself.

And now, in the room next to me, you have woken up from your early morning slumber, squeeking and moving around, waiting for me to finish quickly, not quite beginning to cry, so I shall leave these words and go get you, feeling your soft cheek against mine as we snuggle, eat, and wait for the sun to rise.

I love you dear girl, Happy One Month!

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T09:47:00.001-08:00

I love New Year's. It's probably, in some ways, my favorite holiday. Maybe it's because I like making lists, lists of things to see, goals to achieve. Maybe it's because I like new beginnings. I think it's mostly because I really... really... like re-focusing. I like reflecting. I like taking a moment, maybe a minute, maybe even a whole day to ponder what has come, what has occurred, and where I might be going. I love to ponder. I think of New Year's day as this one day of the year to hyper-focus on what I try to do every day, to live intentionally. I try to never let myself be swept through my own life involuntarily. I try to make my decisions and choices with purpose, thought, integrity and maybe even courage. That isn't to say that every day feels purposeful, that isn't to say that every day I feel on track. Some days, well, you just need to get through. But in general, a little bit of intentional thought and purpose I find bring about a better life.

I've never had a New Year's that felt like this one. Maybe it's because I have a 2 year old and a 2 week old, and, well, right now nothing feels quite normal. But looking at 2012 I've never felt more confident about what is to come, even as the details and the hows and whys of it all are left so completely uncertain. This past year has been a doozy. There are very few years in my life that have left me feeling as focused, as changed, as challenged, as blessed. It's been a year absolutely chock full of LIFE. The knitty gritty of it, the bad, the good. This year has left me emotionally at peaks, peaks of challenge in the beginning, peaks of gratitude and joy as my beautiful daughter was born. This past year feels like one that has molded me, molded my life, molded my family for things to come. And it is those things which I am excited for, those things which I feel assured of, confident in, at peace with. The details of our lives within this next year might change. But life is uncertain, always. Life is astounding, always. Life is both an opportunity, a responsibility and a blessing, always. What I know going forward, is that this past year I have followed my path. This past year I have been given a second beautiful, healthy, amazing child, one whom I am only beginning to know. The year ahead will bring surprises, will most likely bring changes, will bring challenges. But it will also be forged by a path built of solid footing, a path built on love, on life, on intention. Wherever I go, however I go there, it just feels like things have been prepared for. It feels, to me, like 2012 is a bit of a destination. I'm so excited for the journey there, excited to love my little family, excited to see every smile, hear every laugh, and comfort every sorrow. To everything there is a season, it feels like 2011 was winter, and 2012 might be spring.

Little Miracles and Holiday Blessings

2011-12-23T03:24:00.001-08:00

A week ago this morning my beautiful daughter was born so gently into a warm pool of water in our home that she took a little snooze in my arms for a few minutes, before her placenta had even been delivered. I have a feeling that such grace is just the beginning of that which I'll find in her.

Having a baby so near the Solstice, which my family celebrates, and Christmas, which we also celebrate with all the fun surrounding Santa and family, is just slightly surreal. The birth of your child is one of the single most amazing, beautiful, and shifting things that can happen. The process of birthing a baby from your body and the astounding power and shift and miracle surrounding that, is momentous. The process of getting to know this new tiny little person, as they are getting to know this world, their body, their family... It's so amazingly momentous, all the details of it so powerful, that the time surrounding it can feel almost intangible. Minutes, hours, days blend into each other. Counting the toes, gazing at those little fingernails, waiting for her eyes to open when she yawns waking up from sleep, seeing her focus and look at things around her, close, then further away. A much needed snuggle on the couch with my absolutely awesome and amazing 2 year old boy, the weight of his arms over me as I carry him downstairs, his weight somehow heavier, more reassuring, more poignant.

This week has been filled with so much. Recovery, joy, amazement, confusion, snacks, holiday prep, diapers, laughter, smiles, tears, laundry, movies, dozens of tiny little outfits, looking for ones that fit. It's been filled with a LOT of details. But more than anything, more powerful than ANYTHING else, more amazing to me than anything I could ever have hoped to wish for, or hoped to find, or sought out as a goal. This week has been filled with LOVE. Probably partly because of the nursing hormones, but for 2 days I couldn't look at my son without crying. Not in the sad way, but because the extreme intensity of love I feel for this tiny little new baby girl in my arms, is exactly how I feel about that beautiful boy as well. And he hugs me back, plays with my hair, and says he loves me too. Oh, dear, let the tears commence.

This new little girl in our home? She will keep us on our toes. But right now she sleeps, while her brother and daddy sleep upstairs. The past 2 nights she'll let me get enough rest to feel human, in lovely and luxurious 2 hour or so stretches. I didn't feel physically this well until my boy was probably almost a year, since he literally never slept. This little girl sleeping so peaceful in this bed... amazes me. She feels so much like a gift, a beautiful gift that purses her lips, crinkles her eyes, seems to enjoy yawning so much, and is just absolutely filled with grace. I feel love so strongly when I gaze at her, I feel so blessed, and what absolutely overwhelms me is that I know, like happened with my son, that the love I feel is just the beginning. As that love travels through the days and weeks, months and years, it focuses and ages till it is so sharp and deeply rooted that it ties our hearts together forever.

It is a few days before Christmas. The house is quiet, my daughter sleeps downstairs, my husband and son sleep upstairs, I sip a cup of coffee. Is is just past the winter solstice and my son got to play outside yesterday, enjoying the woods, the fresh air, the sunshine, on an amazingly warm winter day. And this morning the sun is just beginning to rise. The snow has lightly fallen while we slept, the air is sharp and quiet, peaceful and strong. The house is warm, and I sit inside looking at it all, hearing my baby stir nearby and breathe a little louder, than quiet herself again. And I somehow have this moment to reflect, moment to myself, moment to feel thoughts and words as they center me, re-fueling me. They are my act of noticing, giving thanks.

So many miracles, so many blessings. Our home and hearts are full.

Thankfulness amidst the blur

2011-11-25T03:51:00.000-08:00

There's this thing that sometimes happens in the quiet moments lately. This thing that I think will happen a lot the next few months. This thing that makes everything just make sense.

Amidst the absolute blur and buzz of our lives lately in my little corner of the world, every once in a while a moment, a speck, of stillness hits. I stare at my little boy, now definitely a boy, although still one of the littlest. I stare at him leaning his side against my husband, as they both rest at the end of a long, bountiful, beautiful and joyful day of Thanks. I stare at them in silence as I feel this little being inside me give me a most painful kick. And suddenly the blessings of the world are almost too much to feel. The beauty and fortune that is all around me, literally, overwhelms me. My poor boy and I have been housebound for weeks because of car frustrations, the flurry of getting things ready for the new baby, the nervousness and excitement of what changes that will bring to our lives, the doubts as a parent as I try to do my best for my smart, very very TWO year old boy, the stresses and busyness that is life as an adult in this world, that is life as a parent, that is life as a partner, that is LIFE.

But none of it really matters, because it's all what makes the LIFE in this little room possible. Going into the phase of a newborn again, going into a Winter which which mostly be marked by a new life, the miracle that it all is, because I know it better after being with my son for almost a year and a half, is less describable. The amazement that I feel as I stare at that littlest of boys, sitting on the couch, as I remember his comments through the day, as I feel his little body still crawl to me throughout the night, just having this little person in my life, this little jumble of people surrounding me throughout MY life... The best I can describe it as - a warm, solid, water-like RIGHTNESS that fills my body, makes the breath somehow come into my lungs with more strength.

You see - going into a second birth, a second infancy, I'm remarkably unafraid. If this little bub is as bad a sleeper as my beautiful boy? It's okay. Because every moment of sleeplessness was worth the look my son now gets across the room when his little eyes get brighter and crinkle just a little bit when he's decided to run toward me and tackle me with a hug. Every doubt as a parent and moment of loneliness I felt as a Stay-At-Home-Mother is worth it as I see him securely go about his little life, ready to conquer all that he sees. Every day of silence, every hour of crying, all of it was worth it as I hear him putting together his amazing little sentences, sharing more and more of those amazing little thoughts that I used to wonder about before he had words for them.

I guess one of my points is that I am blessed, and thankful for it. I guess another is that I am grateful for the difficult bits, the darker passages of life that challenge me, trials that make me question the small things or the large. Because somehow it's through them that I gain more insight, more focus, more depth, more truth, and certainly it's through them that I can appreciate things even more. The glorious sun that rises this morning is so much clearer and poignant because of the deep dark and still night that came before it.

video tidbit - murmeration

2011-11-05T03:59:00.001-07:00

This video's made it into the news... but I think it's appropriate to share here.

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

Dear littlest one

2011-10-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

My dear littlest one,

I've been spending a lot of time talking to you lately, both in my head and out loud. The other day we went to the water, and listened to the waves, just the two of us. Those moments will probably be somewhat rare for us as we begin your life, but because of that, they're all the more precious. You see, my littlest one, as of now you're quite breech. I've picked out a possible name for you, and it implies mobility... Well - you're quite the swimmer. While your big brother stayed put for months, you're not quite as content to sit still, not quite as still or stuck as he might have been. And for right now, you're quite happy being upright with your head held high. So I've been talking to you, trying to coax you where you need to be. But I have a feeling you might be like your mama. You'll go where you go if you know for certain it's what you want to do, and it's right, and there's not a lot of talking you into things. All this talking has given us a bit of time alone together, and there's something precious to me about this time, when really it's just the two of us. In less than two short months I'll have to share you with the world, and I have a feeling that you'll love it. But for now, mostly, it's just the two of us.

Every day I wonder at who you are. I wonder at whether you're a boy or girl, what your favorite sound will be, whether you'll like the moon or sun, the wind or a still day. I wonder at who you will become, just now beginning to form. I wonder. I wonder at so much. I wonder and worry about so many things as your mama, and hope more than anything that I can give you so much. This world out here is a busy place, and the house your coming into might be a little bit busy too. There will be so many fun things to see and do, and so many games to play with your brother. While I have a feeling you'll love this exuberant world you're about to be born into, there is one thing I know without a doubt and I can promise you whole-heartedly. When you need that place of comfort, that place of stillness, that place of warmth and safety, all you need to do is find me and I'll find a way to give it to you. I will most likely push you to do your best, to be the best you that you can be. I'll challenge you to be brave and honest, and maybe to try new things. But I will always always do absolutely everything within my power to keep you safe, and give you what you need. This world offers so much. There's so much to see and do. It amazes me every day, and I think it'll amaze you. But the thing that makes me speechless, completely, staggeringly and soulfully, is the thought of holding you in my arms and being able to see those little feet that keep kicking me, count those little fingers, and stare into those eyes I wonder so much about. You see, littlest one, I love you. And so does the rest of your family. There are so many people out here who love you already, and can't wait to get to know you. Whoever you may be, we are waiting.

The second time around

2011-10-26T03:10:00.001-07:00

For months I've been meaning to update this little online space about the new baby growing so quickly, getting ready to join the world. I'm not a scrapbook kind of person, and while I think I've done a lot of things well as a mama, making an adorable baby-book for my son isn't one of them. So, I guess, I write him letters instead. I write messages either directly to him, or about him, that mean more to me than a picture and a dated note, with the hope that they'll some day mean more to him as well. So for months I've been wanting to write to or about this new little baby, whoever he or she is. But the fact that it took me so long is a little bit of a signal to me that things are different the second time around.

I have somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks left to wait. To wait to find out whether this new little miracle is a boy or girl. To wait to count the toes, and the fingers, and see if he or she has any hair. The past several months have absolutely flown by. I'm busier than I was while waiting for my son. I, thankfully, have felt a little better than I did with my son. But while the speed of life has made the time go by quickly, it doesn't fade the enormity of the sense of awe I feel while waiting. I've heard people say that when you have a kid, and then another, instead of running out of love to give, your heart just grows to make more room. I always thought that was a bit of a saccharin thing that people just said, and always wondered what it would really feel like. But this time around? It's no less special, but maybe a little less scary. It's no less of a blessing, but maybe a little less of a change in our lives. The miracle that is a new life can not be diluted, though. And when it's a life that has been given to you to care for, to nurture, to support and watch grow, there's something about that which is always like the first time. Thinking of my kids is the thing that makes me the strongest, and the most vulnerable. They are my heart.

A few months ago I had a moment where it hit me, what having two kids will feel like. My son is ridiculously, and wonderfully, healthy. We've never had to visit the doctor for anything other than standard check-ups. But a few months ago we had to visit the ER. He'd pinched the end of two little fingers badly enough I thought the tips might be broken. Judging from their squished, bluish nature I knew we at least needed to get them checked out. When we got there I walked him around, my growing stomach underneath him plus his almost 35 pound weight didn't really tire me out. I just knew that if he could pull at my hair, look at the trees, and feel the air on his face outside the waiting room as I paced that his cries sounded easier. When we finally got into the room they scheduled x-rays, and we waited for the technician to come get us. He and I followed her through different doors, down hallways, and she left us waiting outside the x-ray room while she went to go get something. I still hadn't set him down since we'd gotten to the hospital. And then it hit me. I'm pregnant! I didn't think I should go into the x-ray room, particularly holding him while they did it. So when she got back I told her I didn't think I should go in and we went back through the doors and hallways to go get Daddy and Grandma who'd be able to go in with him.

My son does not like to be restrained. He sees a baby gate leaning a against a wall somewhere and has a fit. If you close a door that's usually open he gets really irritated. He is an exuberant, joyful, stubborn and energetic spirit who does NOT like to be restrained. I knew that holding him still was not going to be a pleasant experience while they x-rayed his super tiny little angry blue fingers. But I passed him over and the three of them went into the room, the heavy door closing behind them, in front of me. A couple doors down was another waiting room. I tried to read a magazine, but then started pacing as I heard his cries begin. As a mom I could tell it wasn't his painful cries, but his angry cries. But either way... Pumped up on hormones, feeling the need to protect my little growing baby bump, but wanting so badly to be in there with him, I just paced. I couldn't help but cry just a little bit myself.

I'm sure the man sitting quietly reading a Men's Health magazine in the corner wanted to quickly go in for whatever invasive procedure he was there waiting for if it got him away from the crazy, pregnant, pacing, crying woman he was stuck in the room with.

But it hit me at this moment, this is what having two kids is going to feel like. At least some times. I can't be in two places at once, I can't physically be there. But it doesn't mean I want to any less. But at each moment, each decision, I can only do the best I can. And while this might sound depressing, to me it's not. It's difficult, sure. One of the unavoidable pains of being a parent is knowing that you're not perfect. There will be things you do wrong. I think all you can do is try to look at your foibles, look at your faults, as honestly as possible so you can try your best to fix them. And if you can't fix them, at least in the process teach your kid that they, too, are human, and that while perfection is never possible, integrity and strength is. And in that moment in the hospital, I knew that this was just one of many moments where I'd feel inadequate as a parent, but that also, my son was completely fine without me. He had two other people who'd lay down their lives, or their comfort, for him, trying to make this as easy as possible on him. My son and his brother or sister will have each other, and all I can hope is that this will make up for the times I can't be there 100% for one of them. Because we are all a family. And while alone I can't really do it all, together maybe we can.

He managed to escape without any fractures, without any cast, and after the nail finally healed he was as good as new, with a great story to tell people about his "broken finger" and how the "doctor fixed it".

on taking a business class

2011-10-05T16:17:00.001-07:00

I recently took a little introductory business class offered by a local organization for free. A great class, and I totally enjoyed it. Wait... what? Did I just say I enjoyed a business class? I did. That's right, I truly did. Not just because I'm a quite pregnant mother of a 2 year old 35 pound active and stubborn and fantastically vibrant two year old and I got to sit in a classroom 3 Tuesday mornings in a row with adults. Not just because I'm addicted to learning. I enjoyed it because this past year has been one of gestation. I keep wondering at who this fantastic little person inside me, now quite strongly digging his/her little knee into my belly button several times a day, might some day be. I have this belief that these little souls that find us chose us as parents, that in some way they choose the circumstances that they're born into. Although I also believe that destiny is a choice, and that you can make everything that's ever happened to you something that was meant to be, because you learn from it. But either way, I think this is going to be one plucky little kid.

When my son was born, when he was gestating, everything felt so settled. I've searched for my physical home for 30 years. I've gained a sense of what that means, but having moved as many times as I have, 34 at last count, my next move is my last. Wherever I end up is where I'm staying, and if anyone ever tells me different I'll be the crazy lady in the basement handcuffed to the sewer pipe with a stack of books next to me, refusing to leave. Waiting for my son everything felt... planned... known... There was so much space for him to come into. Good thing, too, at almost 10 pounds! But I had just finished a degree, our house was on target in terms of renovating, and even through the uncertainties that we all know are a part of life, it all felt clear. I had a 5 year plan, I guess you could say. And I felt sure that I was here to stay, maybe not in the exact house, but darn close to it.

(my son on day 2)

Within the past year everything has potentially changed. Seriously... it's kinda funny. Every aspect of our adult lives has shifted in some way, has turned in unexpected directions. I am so lucky to have my little family, we are so lucky to have each other, and this has been our core. But surrounding us all the world is spinning around, and there have been seemingly dozens of paths we could walk on. Employment, housing, geography, community... it's all felt uncertain, spinning us around and propelling us in different ways. Now I don't know if I'm here to stay. Don't worry, I am a planner, I still have a five year plan, actually I have 4 or 5. Because right now I have absolutely no idea which one will happen. Instead... we're gestating. We're gestating, giving space to this little plucky person to grow and get ready for this spinning world. We're expecting he/she will be ready sometime around the winter Solstice. We're gestating while we wait for decisions to be made, things to be figured out. When there are this many pieces to put together in a puzzle - until you have the border you can't truly begin, and the progress you make is slow. This year we've also been dealt with some unexpected financial hurdles, tightening the belt on our already corseted waist.

(my son at about a year)

The thing about spinning around in circles? The thing about the world spinning so fast around you? You realize you're the core of it. I guess as a mother, and a pregnant one at that, I've realized that actions, while sometimes brave, are also just practical. So what, on earth, does all this have to do with a Business class? Well... with the world spinning around, my arms full and heavy with the weight of the bundle of blessings that are my children, I simply stopped having time for things like self-doubt. I stopped having time to post little things on ebay for hours only to lose so much profit in shipping. I think it's also convenient that finding a job is literally impossible for me right now... not just because I don't think there's a dress big enough to hide my ginormous stomach, but because my baby's health comes before everything else, and I will nurse this baby, and with my first the pump/work day would not have worked.

(my son at about 20 months)

So for the first time, I believe, in my life, I gained some objectivity about my own work. It isn't really my dreams and aspirations, my studies and writing that I was looking at. It was a body of experience that, as a mother, I wanted to piece together to find a way to create an occupation that I would hopefully love, but would also feed my kids. So off to business class I went. I've always liked numbers, I like balancing a checkbook, I like creating things like plans and outlines. I know... I'm a nerd... but I do. What I always struggled with in terms of business classes, teaching workshops, "marketing" myself, was that I am absolutely horrified, terrified of greed. I'm much more comfortable giving something away than asking for it. I'm much more comfortable making presents than money. But, I'm not comfortable with not having what my kids need. I'm not comfortable not being able to offer them choices. So as a mother, I'm objective. I will do what I can from my little circle of stillness, trying my best with what I've been given, and I will step out onto a path, knowing that if I do it honestly, truthfully, bravely and smartly, it will be guaranteed to be the right one. It takes a certain element of trust, something that I'll admit I'm not great at. But for my kids? I'll do anything.

(the boy at 2)

My case for books

2011-10-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

The past week or two my mind hasn't been still. Possibilities, I'm finding, are not the friend of a hormonally-induced, nesting, third-trimester pregnant mama-to-be. In fact I'm finding these possibilities, whether bad or good, absolutely overwhelming. Overwhelming in the bad way, the way that if not for the toddler would send me immediately to bed where I watched the show Friends (because it unexplainably soothes me) while I ate oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for a few days. Not overwhelming in the way that a sunrise above the fog over the ocean overwhelms you for its beauty. One of the great things about toddlers, they keep you grounded. You have to clean up spills on your best days, you often have to dance on your worst days. They're great little zen teachers those two year old tyrants. The middle way. They force you there. No day of Friends and cookies for me.

So where have I found myself more often that I embarrassingly care to admit? Surrounded by books. To get away for a morning I went to a big bookstore an hour away that serves fancy coffee. While at the thrift store I find myself in the little book area, looking for old cookbooks, children's stories I remember, or anything that strikes me as some kind of a friend. While at the library I keep the boy's strict 7 books a week maximum in check, only to take home 11 for myself. I know perfectly well I won't have time to read them all. I know perfectly well that this isn't even the point. At the big bookstore I slowly sip my warm (decaf) coffee and mostly just walk through the aisles, look at the spines, pick up one for a word on the title, another for the illustration I see a glimpse of at an edge. I feel them, I flip through them, I walk amidst the words and ideas, phrases and fantasies. All these words have come from people, real people out there in the world who wrote their ideas and then made the brave (and lucky) move to send their ideas out there into the world, where they land onto other people in some way. These real books are physical, they lie in my hand, some of them lie open on their own, some you have to smooth back the pages, gently, pressing the spine open carefully. They are tactile, they have texture, smell, they are small or big, heavy or light. They are sensual. In a world that moves at a frenetic pace, where the possibilities of life can spin quickly into the realm of overwhelm, sometimes sitting down with a good book and sharing the ideas of another offers a stillness and reward found in no other way that I've found. But for this, I need the real book. Not a gadget connected to the internet with no smell or texture. Not a screen lit up in all its patent-pending glory. I need a giant room filled with physical words that have come from somewhere, waiting to land somewhere else.

In a word, to me, a real book, the kind you hold in your hand, preserve on a shelf, and pick up some days just as much for the texture of the paper as the words you'll find within them... these kinds of books offer possibilities, the good kind.

road trippin'

2011-09-25T03:56:00.001-07:00

We recently went on a road trip, a beautiful visit to get away and see family. I can't say that I'll rush back into the car for another 44 hours while pregnant with a 2 year old... but OH was it worth it. Miles drift by, thoughts wander. There's something about a road trip. It makes places far away seem maybe not so far. It cleanses your thoughts, speeding up some, slowing down others, giving perspective to most of them. My little family's at the height of so very many transitions, all of which can feel dizzying. But now there's this space, remembered in pictures, to look back on and think about. The possibilities in life right now seem beautiful, blessed, scary, exhausting, oh so many things. But they are also filled with maybe's. Finding the stillness of a car full of family, driving through the night in West Virginia, miles passing by, gives a bit of stillness to all the dizzying thoughts and changes of our lives today.

I believe in home

2011-09-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

Here's one of the posts that I didn't get a chance to post before I went on my little hiatus... It's definitely not Monday, and I'm not sure I'll post regular Monday posts from now on... Stay tuned for some big new website changes in the next couple months, though! But just so this little post doesn't get lost in the cyberworld - where I'll forget to go back to it...

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On Mondays I, and a few friends, post things that are BOLD and TRUE. It started with one little original post, and you can find the links to the rest of the posts under the subject heading on the right sidebar. It started because I think we all have bold and true things to say, but I think sometimes they get lost among all the other topics of less intensity. It started because I wanted to hold myself accountable, and at least one day a week try to say something that I really believe in, or something that I'm proud of. It started because I wanted to honor those things that others had to say.

Maybe it's just me, but it feels like the world is shifting. And not just off it's axis... It feels like there's been more strife, more unrest, more disaster than normal lately. It feels like individual people are going through changes, transitions, disruptions. Maybe this is my own perception, and completely untrue, at least not in the general sense. But even if it's not true that there's been more change than normal, there still will always be change. Things will always move along, even if we're unprepared for them. How, on earth, are we supposed to stay grounded and centered when the universe around us is spinning around.

To me, one of the most important things that can keep you safely strong, grounded, rooted, and true in the midst of things, is a sense of home. My last degree was basically about how to create and help others create a sense of home, or a connection to a place, through writing and living intentionally. I believe in the importance of this. I believe it can change our lives, and the world around us.

I think in my culture, but also many others, the importance of being rooted to the land, to a place, to a village or a mountain, has almost disappeared. Not entirely, of course, but it feels like that is the trend. Our survival used to depend on how well we knew our home. We had to know the seasons, the weather, the soil, the sun, in order to survive, grow enough food, build adequate shelter. As our lives have been modernized, as they've gotten "easier", we've lost the need to know our places. We've lost our knowledge of our places.

But I think it goes even deeper than that. There's such an admiration of the individual. The strong individual, who battles the world alone, moves to an entirely new place and makes something of him or herself is something that I think our culture admires and builds up in media, movies, and modern day myths. Often when a movie shows someone who chooses a small town life, or their childhood home, over a life in a "big city", it's shown as quaint, and the choice is usually about a kind of life, a kind of people. In other words, the successful son or daughter returns to the town she grew up in to help her dying parent, only to realize that the "good life" is something better than she remembered, and sacrifices her big career for the small town. But what about the place? What about the house, the way the sun shines, the tree that she climbed, the mountain in the distance, the familiar scents and smells and sounds. What about the knowing of a place, the knowing that is felt in your senses and your body, the knowing that is so deep and comfortable that it means home to you. We see places superficially, and we see their importance to us in terms of things that they can give to us. HOME is an intangible quality, and one that cannot fully be explained.

I think it is a place of comfort, it is a place of refuge, it is a place of love, it is a place where we let our guard down, it is a place that reflects who we are and what our priorities are.

I think connecting to a sense of home, connecting to a sense of belonging in the community you live in, makes you care about that community and take better care of the places and the people around you. I believe that we only see a homeless person without worrying if they have food, if we've disconnected from the fact that they are a neighbor. I think we don't worry about pollution if we don't feel a sense of belonging and responsibility to the earth. I think we don't worry about where our food comes from if we don't know the farmer down the street, struggling to feed his own family. There are so many things we've lost as we've lost our sense of home within a place and community. But just because something is lost doesn't mean it can't be found again.

I think home should be a place of life, of sustenance, of strength and of safety. Whenever any kind of natural disaster happens, and so many people are displaced, part of my own worry is in thinking of so many people who've lost their homes entirely, or whose home are no longer places of safety.

some updates in pictures

2011-09-22T03:52:00.000-07:00

So many things have happened in so much time since I was here frequently last... but for just a few updates in pictures...

The snow finally stopped falling...

We begun the cleaning up, gardening, house projects of spring...

One beautiful boy turned 2...

A bump started growing... and growing...

The chicks turned into chickens....

Discovered that they really liked my begonias...

And started laying eggs of their own...

There was more that happened. There was a LOT more that didn't happen. We didn't get the front porch knocked off. We didn't get the back patio repaved. We didn't get the basement re-sloped. We didn't get the spring brush totally cleared up. We didn't get the woodwork fixed. We haven't finished winterizing the coop. There's so very much that didn't get done. And I can't say we really feel caught up, or even like we're treading water just yet, but the beautiful two year old is in good health, the new baby bump is growing well, and we've survived. Still here, still loving each other, still making do. Like the first pregnancy - I had quite a few months where moving felt impossible. While I pushed through it most of the time, part of our shortened to-do list was because we spent more delicious moments doing this...

than we'd done in longer than I can remember. Maybe Fall and Winter is when most people hole-up and rest... for us this year it was spring. Slightly less convenient - but still absolutely necessary...

Update to my son

2011-08-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

Hello my dearest son,

You... Are going to be a Big. Brother.

Oh how your world is about to shift. It's a shift that I can't quite fathom or truly understand yet. You see, I never became a big sister. Nor was I ever a little sister. This new world we are both about to enter into - the world of siblings - is one that you and I will have to learn about together. Your dear daddy knows about it, and your new little sibling will know about it. It is all he or she will ever know. You have taught me many amazing things in your two short years. One of which is that there are absolutely no limitations on love, compassion and empathy if you allow yourself to feel it. The other, dear one, is that no matter how difficult things get - no matter how tired you ever feel - you have it within yourself to push further, and to do so with purpose and patience. Because, until you've had a little boy or girl of your own you'll never truly know what you're capable of. It will bring out the strongest part of you. And if you choose not to have kids, or if you wait a very long time (I hope you wait a good while at least!), know that the strength is in you all the time, only waiting to be brought out by someone or something that you care deeply about that truly demands it.

So you see, little one, I don't worry about not having enough love for you and your new little sibling. You've taught me better than that. I don't worry about the craziness of having a 2 year old and a newborn together and working out the details of all that. I don't even worry about not having enough time to give you as much attention as you're used to. You, my assertive boy, are good about letting me know when you need something. We'll transition together, as best we can.

What I mostly think about is that you'll each have a touchstone. This world is a strange and glorious place. It will surprise you. With good things and bad, the universe will find a way at certain times to knock you a little off your axis. I don't know who you will each become. I don't know whether you'll each have your own families, whether you'll live near each other, whether you'll be anything alike. I don't know whether you'll get along when you're adolescents, or teenagers, or adults. But what you will always always have is someone who came from where you came from. What I hope for is that you'll always be honest with each other. What I hope for is that you'll have someone to confide in about things that quite possibly no one else will truly understand. I would love it if you didn't fight like crazy, but I don't expect it. I expect you to treat each other with respect. I expect you to help each other out if one of you is truly in a jam. I expect you to fight with each other, but stand up for each other against others who threaten you. I expect you to whine to each other about how awful I am when you're teenagers. I expect you to tell me when I'm 60 and have just dyed my hair blond and gotten a perm that I look beautiful to my face, and then call each other and talk about how ridiculous I am. I expect that in this changing world there will be things about your relationship with your little brother or sister, and things about our family, that will never ever change. Because family, dear one, is important, and it's something your daddy and I will fight for. We will always, always, always be here for you. We'll be here to tell you things you might not want to hear when you need to hear them. We'll be here to cheer you on when you're trying something fantastic and scary. We'll be here to pick you up when you fall down, and to help teach you how to stand back up again yourself. We'll always be here, loving you, a calm center in the storm. And now there'll just be another one of us.

And oh, what fun I think we'll have.

Updates in One Moment

2011-08-21T03:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back. After a long hiatus I've worked out enough time to get back and visit this space every once in a while.

Why did I take a break? I was depleted. Physically, psychologically, spiritually, I was incredibly depleted. From a practical stand-point I was also so behind in the school program I was doing I wasn't sure it was possible to catch up and get back to where I needed to be. And I'm a lady who's always up for a challenge, and never ever thinks anything is impossible. So to have reached that point was a serious thing. But, also, myself and my little family had been through stresses that felt so deep there was a need for recovery of some kind. Recovery takes time and attention. Again from a practical standpoint - time for a stay-at-home/work-at-home/student-at-home mama is one of the most precious commodities.

But... I've done what 3-6 months ago I thought was literally impossible. I've caught up on school. By waking up at 4 every chance possible, denying every opportunity for distraction - except for the important ones like my son and husband, and maybe, just maybe even them sometimes, I did it. Yesterday I mailed off my last packet with my coursework. I have about 60 pages of a dissertation to finish still - but it's begun, in the works, and actually something enjoyable to do. Focusing on one big thing is easier to squeeze in than focusing on dozens of littler things. With that blue and white envelope, all wrapped up neat and tidy, containing so much work, effort and wishes, it feels like my life path is somehow all tidied up as well.

There are more things to catch up on than I can even think of on this early morning. But yesterday I had a few hours which can update it all in a moment. A snippet that shows that everything is entirely different, and yet still somehow completely the same.

Yesterday, one of the many Summer Saturdays my husband had to work, it was just my son (now 2!) and I. During his nap I was able to print off the last pieces, put everything together, and get that envelope with its enticing neatness all sealed up. To celebrate I decided we would go on a date when he woke up. We went to Tim Horton's. Maybe not fancy - but kid friendly. We split a raisin tea biscuit and a decaf. I had the decaf, he had the tea biscuit. His little legs dangled over mine as he sat in my lap. My elbow on the table as I leaned forward, sipping my cool and creamy coffee out of a straw. My other arm around him while he ate little bites from his "rambo" biscuit. He's such a good talker, but for some reason raisin sounds like "rambo". A little error in diction, a little treasure. I dread the day he says raisin, knowing that these days of "rambo" raisins and other little details of his babyhood are ending.

You see, my son and I can now hang out, we can chat. Maybe it's not the conversation fit for a table of Ph.D. candidates. Maybe it's not the bottle of wine and fancy appetizers that some would want to celebrate with. But as those tiny little fingers try to pick out all the raisins, the best part of course, and his tiny little voice chats about the people, about how "daddy's" at "work", about how the sign has a B, about how a big truck just went by as we both gaze out the window, I can't think of a better conversation to have as I celebrate this accomplishment. Because while doing this program, pursuing things I believe in is for me, as a parent, everything I do is for him. And the thing is, this isn't a sacrifice. Anything that makes your life that worth living isn't something that you sacrifice for, it's what makes the rest worth living.

We then went to the beach, both because I wanted to and because the chanting of "beach, beach, beach" as we left gave me the impression he would like it as well. We proceeded to listen to the waves, stare at the sun, that glorious light heat that I know is precious and fleeting as Fall nears. We walked up and down on the sand. And we, of course, threw lots of little rocks into the water, made notice of many "doggie woof woofs", and talked for many many minutes about how the three little pug puppies who walked by "look silly", "silly doggie".

We then went to the library to play with the trains and find lots of new books to read.

Basically, it was glorious. Warmth, sun, ocean air, tourists entertaining enough to gander at, an iced creamy decaf coffee, sand, a tiny trusting hand wanting to share it all with me, and the feeling of complete and utter fullness.

I began the day in intellectual and spiritual fulfillment, working alone in the very early hours on pursuits that I believe in. I began working mentally to finish this work, working to reach my mind towards things that contribute to my more esoteric desire to understand the nature of the world. I celebrated the day with sights, smells, sounds, laughter, and the absolute joy of being a mother of a 2 year old, knowing these moments are more precious than nearly anything else in my life.

And this was the most perfect way to celebrate. Because I find that being a mother of a young child, rather than limiting me, makes things possible. I think being a parent can make you a better person. Because it's not logic or your own limitations which govern your actions. Family is something for which you rise past your own capabilities. For love is what governs your experience, and pushing yourself just a little bit harder for that is always worth it. It makes it easier to wake up at four in the morning when that's your only time to work. It makes it easier to pull yourself up from your bootstraps, hunker down and get to work. It makes it easier to celebrate with an iced coffee and a beach, seeing these things for the joys that they are, not needing anything more grand.

I'll update on the many (many, many, many) things that have been happening soon. I'll probably stop in here at least a couple times a week. As I move through these ending bits of school there are other projects in the works, and I'll try to bring everything up to speed next time. See you soon!

Friday - a day of blogging silence

2011-03-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

My blog hiatus is partly because.. really... with this kind of global event happening, with it still unfolding, what is there to say. There is a lot, I suppose. There's a lot of gratitude I feel every time I hold my son, knowing that he is safe, healthy, with food and shelter, and with two parents alive and well who love him. There is much that could be said, but also, moments of silence are powerful, whether individual or collective. Until much of this unfolds into whatever it is going to unfold into, I feel the need for silence, so that my thoughts can have room to flow, and I can wish all those people around the world as much love as possible.

A few bloggers have put together a little something, called For Japan With Love which will contribute to Shelterbox. This is a little something that I have to participate in. So tomorrow - friday - I will be silent in this big blogging world, and know that a lot of other bloggers are also silent, and with that communal act, as well as our donations, know that we are doing something, however small. I encourage any blogger able to join in, or just take a moment with me, or donate. The sun is shining here, it's a beautiful day, and I'm so enjoying the coming of spring, and yet even while enjoying, sending thoughts still oh so far away.

on truly enjoying a glass of juice

2011-03-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

My baby boy has graduated to a big boy glass today. Well, a tiny little non-breakable big boy glass, but still. It absolutely amazes me that lately every single day he turns more and more into a little boy. But it's not really him growing up that amazes me, it's not even how quickly it's gone by and how much I'll miss holding him as a little baby. What amazes me is the pure involvement, the pure joy, the pure exhilaration and pride he gets at exploring this world in more and more ways.

He drank 6 glasses so far today. 2 of water, 2 of watery green juice and 2 of goat milk. We just might have to visit the big boy potty an awful lot for a little while! But the act of drinking from a tiny little glass has become a fun, and interesting task to him. He grips the little glass with both hands, lowers his little head down to it, and carefully moves until his lips meet the juice, knowing that now there's the chance of spilling. He knows that with no lid, no straw, nothing holding that liquid in there, that it could quite possible dump all over him. It is this that makes drinking now exciting to him, it is this that makes him proud every time he looks up at me, having not spilled a drop. He does this simple act with such intensity, such joy, such focused bliss, truly living in the moment like only children have the capacity to do, that I can't help but be soothed by watching him. I also can't help but be humbled. I'm humbled that I've been given this beautiful boy, that for some reason the universe has decided that I deserved him. I'm humbled at the peace and promise that this boy carries within him. I'm humbled at his ability to enjoy a simple beverage. It's something to aspire to. I can only wish that I can find the true joy, and the true responsibility, that lie within the things that I've graduated to; the role of mother, wife, friend, human. The world is a huge place, but also, smaller than we think. Since becoming a mother I cannot stop thinking about children around the globe, parents around the globe, who suffer environmental disaster, natural disaster, political disaster, or other daily hardships. The big concerns, the gigantic worries, the fear of the unknown, can be completely overwhelming, as well as humbling. I guess today I want to learn from my son, and enjoy him. I want to enjoy the small moments, watching his giant leaps as he explores the world and learns new things. But I also hope to find both the joy and the responsibility in this life I've been given, remembering that the two can coincide. I want to take things seriously, but always always be grateful for today.

I think I'm going to change this blog around a little bit. With world events lately, with the crisis in Japan, with all the things that have happened, there's so much to talk about. Watching the people face a nuclear crisis, not really understanding either the best or worst case scenario, it fuels me up to want to band together to search for better energy options. But I think with so many events happening, with the busyness of people's lives, that lately often there's a great need for inspiration. Inspiration to go on, inspiration to still believe in the good, inspiration to give more, to find hope, to raise our own spirits as well as others. And I've been in need of inspiration lately, and possibly a little more silence. My thoughts spin with all that's going on. I think so many people want to do something to help, want to just do something, knowing it might help, but also alleviate their worries. I believe in donating money and time. I believe in doing things. But I also believe that the best thing you can do, that will have the greatest effect, is to live the absolute best life that you can. So watching my son drink his glasses of juice today, makes me want to savor the small things, take this life, and my responsibilities in it, seriously. So I'll be committing to finishing some projects that will require more time, and hope to use this space as a little space to put quotes, videos, or other things that I find inspiring. My hope is that anyone who finds them will also be inspired by them. But my own words here will be more absent, at least for a while. In the meantime I'll be watching my son, enjoying raising some baby chicks, working on our backyard, as well as trying to understand what's going on in the greater world and looking for whatever I can do, however small, to make it better.

Grateful

2011-03-14T05:57:00.000-07:00

Peace and health to all today. I'm feeling grateful for this beautiful boy, and his crazy blonde toddler hair today.

on not posting a moment, and sharing a charity

2011-03-11T02:52:00.000-08:00

I was going to post about a moment from the week this week. It was to be a comical (for you), or embarrassing (for me) moment that just struck me as funny. But, I'm not going to do that this morning. I'll share it next week instead.

I'm thinking of people in Japan this morning. And Libya, and Baghdad, and Mexico, and Israel and Palestine, and Detroit, and Pakistan... I could go on naming places... and on... and on...

There's been a big earthquake and Tsunami in Japan, and who knows what the results will be still. And finally, Charlie Sheen isn't the top story.

I think we distract ourselves sometimes with the small things, the mundane things. I think often it's because we're scared knowing about all the big things, the bad things, will bring us down, diminish our lives, make us sad or overwhelmed. I don't think you can focus on these big things all the time, you need to watch a stupid comedy on television, or take a walk with the dog, or go sledding, or other things which are fun, and lovely, and totally not serious.

But I think that knowing about others, knowing about others' difficulties and struggles, about the true state of the world, can raise your level of consciousness, and increase your humanity. I don't know what I can possibly do about almost any of these situations, but I believe that just by knowing about them, and thinking about them, I'm doing something. I'm not turning a blind eye. If you believe in prayer, maybe you could say I'm praying for them. If you believe in intention and energy, maybe you could say I'm focusing it on them, but even if none of this is true, I believe it's still raising my consciousness, and conscience.

I'm thinking of taking one day a week - maybe a weekend, and writing about a charity or organization. Partly because I'm trying to research a new batch to donate to or know about, partly because I think whatever attention these places get, however small, does good. SO - if anyone out there knows of any that are dear to their heart, or that they admire, if they could comment here or e-mail me, I'd love it! I'd love to find some great little ones I haven't heard of before, and help spread the word.

A lovely blog award from a lovely lovely blogger

2011-03-11T02:48:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to quickly say that a sweet sweet blogging friend gave me a little award. Every single time I visit her blog I am inspired, and humbled, and amazed by her strength and wisdom. So for her to pass that along to me is so touching to me. Thank you to her, and stop by over there if you get a chance!

I"ll pass the award along, once I've had some time to mull it over and think on where to send it.

comedy of errors

2011-03-09T02:29:00.000-08:00

Life is a comedy of errors. Hanging onto a sense of humor, looking at the hilarity that is your life, especially on the days that are ridiculous, or difficult beyond imagine, to me, is one of the most beautiful abilities that humans have. There's an important card that I can't find, I've lost it, and in looking for it for a few hours yesterday I found 4 other things that I'd lost so long ago I thought they were gone forever. Ridiculous! I once said in a writing workshop that the most poignant laugh is that first laugh that happens at a wake. People looked at me like I might be a horrible person, or how could I say such a thing. But I still think it's true. If you've ever been to a big funeral, with a big reception or wake afterwords, often there's one person that giggles at something just a little bit, only to quickly stifle it in embarrassment. But often, that releases the floodbanks and eventually a lot of people start laughing. Laughing harder because of the release of emotion, the power and tumbling need in their souls to feel something. Humans need to laugh. We need to smile. I think we need to find the humor in our lives. Comedy, and humility that usually lies behind it, is poignant, and true. It can hold emotion, happiness or sadness, and yet make it objective enough to bring with it the understandand that this is a big world, we have long lives, and we are tiny little humans, only an infinitisimal part of the universe. In other words, sometimes we just need to get over ourselves and find the humor in our lives. Here are a few things that just make me laugh, little, probably slightly sarcastic (because that's the humor I probably find the funniest) little snippets... No matter who you are, however small, or however big, we can always take a moment of humility and humor to enjoy others, and ourselves.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."
— George Bernard Shaw, playwright (to Winston Churchill)

"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
— Churchill's response"

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No One Gets Left Behind!
Little Miss Sunshine at MOVIECLIPS.com

A few cars ago we had a little sedan that wouldn't stop. Well... if it stopped it wouldn't start again. If a red light was coming up you went really really slow, hoping it would turn green before you got there.... If you went below about 10 MPH, you had to turn on the windshield wipers or it would stall.... Yesterday I stepped into the back part of our house to find a swimming pool instead of a floor. Seriously people, life is hysterical. We're all just muddling through, doing our best, living our lives, which often become a comedy of errors.

follow the yellow brick road, well, the groutable tile road anyway

2011-03-08T02:36:00.000-08:00

While I was on my little blog hiatus, I was up to something else... My mind awhirling, many evenings after the boy went to bed I focused on cramming wet muddy grit into little cracks in the floor...

(before)

My little floor isn't exactly made of yellow brick. But I do think it looks nice. It's weird doing these kinds of projects when you know you'll leave a place. All these renovations are mostly to improve the house, and hopefully our lives in the future. It's more fun working on these kinds of things when you're going to be able to enjoy it for years, or decades. But, while laying this floor, finishing the details, and looking at it when it was done, I imagined the people, hopefully the family, that might someday walk on it. This house is so much improved, and I'm glad we've taken care of it. And while I don't know exactly where we'll end up, where our yellow brick road will take us, for now I'm going step by step, brick by brick, tile by tile. Really acknowledging a sense of the temporary, can actually give you a sense of gratitude for the day. No matter what house I call home in future, and wherever it may be, I've still made this house happier, and cared for it. I feel good about this. My son was born in this house, and if for no other reason I will forever hold it dear in my heart, and think of how our lives changed within it.

(after)

Off to follow the road, wherever it may lead. I'm SO glad I'm done with the floor, and all that grouting. Oh, wait, now I have to do the bathroom. AH!

On idle silence, being bold and true, and moving forward

2011-03-07T03:25:00.001-08:00

I don't remember falling asleep last night. You know those days where you're so completely exhausted, weary, body and mind gone, that you don't remember somehow getting yourself to bed. And there was no alcohol involved... I woke up, probably around 1AM or so, to discover my son lying on my face... I moved him over, his eyes wide open, and we both just watched each other for a little while, hardly able to see in the dark, until at some point we both fell back to sleep, while listening to the silence. Listening to each other. Somehow, even though it's really too quiet to hear, listening to the sound of each other's hearts beating and breath coming in and out.

I believe that there are two kind of people in the world, those that are listeners, and those that are speakers. I think listeners can learn to speak more, and speakers can learn to listen more, but in general you're one or the other. I'm a listener, and even though I believe so strongly in speaking, speaking out, speaking up, it's something I have to force, push myself toward, and requires probably more courage than it should. I don't think one of these types is better than the other, but I do think that if you find yourself leaning too heavily in one direction, you're missing out.

When I do speak out, when I do speak up, if I don't feel, for whatever reason, that it's been heard, my first instinct it to hole myself back up, to read and listen, to live in books, and stories, and the ideas of other people. But, you know what? I've lived a lot, I've been through more than people might think, and I actually do have a lot to say, usually more than I say, even when I do get the courage up to speak. We all have wisdom. We all have things that we have learned, and perhaps other people might learn from. And in this world of distraction, where paychecks, reality shows, and the difficulty of daily life can dissolve the potency of our intentions, of our truth, of our wisdom, for those of us that are listeners, we need to speak up. And for those of us that are speakers, we need to listen to all that is out there. Often it's the people that are quiet, much quieter than me, that have the most wisdom to offer, deep down inside. And the thing is? Usually they will share it if people think to ask. But most people won't.

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Being Bold and True: something I believe in...

SO - this brings me to this BOLD and TRUE point number one. (and I'm sorry for the post length lately, but I'm catching up for being absent and getting back on track - blog wise) I believe in being GENEROUS. I believe in volunteering, donating, living with a sense of gratitude and generosity, and helping other people. In a real way, in terms of money or time. I think this is also a great way to listen to other people, hearing what other lives are like, hearing other people's stories. Since my son was born I haven't really done this like I usually do. And I hate that this is the case. I keep telling myself that I'll figure out something I can do with him, and then the month goes by and I don't. Well, that's not okay. I want my son to grow up and think, "wow, I'm so fortunate, what can I do to help other people!" Not, "wow, there's a lot of great stuff in the world, I want it all for myself." So - I want him to watch me volunteer. I want him to raise money and donate it himself. I want doing these things to be a part of what he knows, in the background, that mommy does. So - I'm trying to hold myself accountable and bring this thing that I believe in back into my life. I write it here so you can all call me on it if I don't deliver...

"One of the deep secrets of life is that all that is really worth doing is what we do for others."
Lewis Carroll

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On my brief blog absence

Part of being a listener means that I go through bouts of being passionate about speaking a little bit of my truth out here on this blog. But then I go through a bout and want to be silent, listen to others, and never ever put myself out there. Without too many details, in my life lately I have spoken out to people I loved from a deep place of hope and vulnerability. It has been cruelly received and treated. SO - as is my place of safety, I retreated into silence, trying to protect myself. Silence can be good protection, it can give you a place where you don't feel at risk, where you don't feel vulnerable, where you're safer. And we all need a little safety to retreat to whenever we've pulled up every ounce of strength and courage that we can. For those of you that are speakers, maybe that's sharing things, speaking about things, for those of you that are listeners, it's probably silence or listening to others. These safe zones are fine, they are helpful. They can allow us to recover from the stress and trauma that can sometimes happen when we push ourselves as individuals. We all have things that stretch us, that somewhere inside us we know we should do, but it stretches us to the edge of safety. We know the possibility of hurt, and sometimes face it. But no hurt is worth not trying. No hurt is worth not doing our best. NO hurt is worth not fulfilling to the best of our ability what we know to be true or right within us.

Nothing has ever come about in this world from silence. Possibly through non-violence action, but in those cases I believe it's the action that speaks. We have to speak up, we have to speak our lives, our truths, our wisdom. Partly because we owe it to ourselves. Partly because we owe it to other people, to try to build communication, to build community, to change the world, in very tiny or very big ways. But we can't remain silent all the time, forever.

"I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else's whim or to someone else's ignorance. "
bell hooks

"It's in the act of having to do things that you don't want to that you learn something about moving past the self. Past the ego."
bell hooks

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do."
William Blake

"As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence."
Benjamin Franklin

So I will continue trying to speak up, writing here, and through actions. Probably not all the time, probably not without doubt, but I will continue to try. There is a balance. I won't forget to listen, I won't forget to be silent sometimes, to listen for the truths that are out there, to listen to the people who ALL have wisdom that I don't have. I won't forget to listen and live.

"Live truth instead of professing it."
- Elbert Hubbard

I'm not sure where the balance is yet, between living and professing. I'm still relatively new to speaking out. Sure, I've been working on speaking up for 30 of my 32 years years or so, but I'm telling ya, I have a lot of learning left to do. Life is a learning process, and I don't think we're ever expected to know it all, just to keep trying.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Technology Vacation and On Being True.

2011-02-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

On Mondays I write things that are Bold and True, based on the series from this little original post. I'm in the middle of what I'm calling a technology vacation, and right now it's a few days before Monday, but I'm pre-posting this so I don't miss a week.

I'm taking an internet and technology vacation to get back into myself. I'm taking it to cleanse my mind, and my body.

If there's one quote that explains not just what I believe in, but who I am, it's the Eleanor Roosevelt quote that lives permanently on my blog.

"One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes...
and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Within this lies my morality, my inspiration, my hopes, my support and my spirit. If I have a religion, it's to live intentionally. It explains everything else in my life, and how I try to live it. I think our lives are a gift, and one that we need to take responsibility for. This keeps me on my true path, it saves me in times of grief, it rescues me when I've been knocked down, telling me to stand up again.

"The choices we make are ultimately our responsibility." But this responsibility is not just a burden. It's where hope lies. We cannot control what happens to us in our lives, we can only control our reaction to it. From anything, we can create what we intent. From any situation, we can live our lives according to our own philosophy. "Be the change you wish to see in the world", Ghandi said. It's about the being. It's not about the been. Within this idea there is unlimited possibility. We are not victims to our lives. We are conscientious, beautiful, strong and creative beings whose every step in life is a responsibility, a choice, and a possibility. And this is where the idea of living intentionally comes from.

When I went back to school to get my Masters, most of the work that I did was on writing as a medium to connect to a sense of home, in an intentional way. Part of my thesis was an auto-ethnographic memoir about this process. What I came to conclude, what most of it entailed, was that I'd purposely rooted myself into Maine, and found a sense of home here. Lately I've questioned that sense, and wondered where I am to go, and when.

With many huge life steps about to be taken, many choices to figure out intentionally, I felt the need to retreat from technology, find a bit of silence, and try to figure out what next step to take, try to figure out where the path of my life is meant to go.

I also, inspired by a blogger friend and her daughter, realized that I needed to honor some of the work that I have done. So I put together that part of my thesis into a little self-published book on lulu. When I wrote it I decided I cared less about writing it well, and more about being honest. I cared less about being impressive, and more about being direct. I cared less about where it might get me, and more about where I was going.

So I guess part of my Bold and True post for today is that some of the things I had confidently found as a foundation to my life, I'm questioning. I guess this is proof that life is never finished, and learning is never complete. But this work of rooting into a place, writing about it, teaching of it, I think, I hope to make my occupation.

My second Bold and True thing for today... here's that part of my thesis (I'll add a link when the cover's done). Being bold and true requires courage, so here we go. Flaws and all, imperfections and all, when I read back through it, the first time in nearly 2 years, I realized that yes, parts of it felt amateurish. Parts of it felt awkward, parts of it felt badly written. But I also realized that the thing I most wanted from it, truth, is also there. Reading through it, often I said to myself, yes, that's how I felt, or yes, that's true. So as I question where my home will become, I read back on how I rooted myself into the home I've had. So this week I'm reading my own words, learning from myself, listening to the stars, enjoying my family, and giving myself the space to figure out my own intentions.

a few moments

2011-02-18T02:54:00.000-08:00

Again inspired by Soulemama. Feel free to leave a link to your own moments.

Looks like it's time for some new prayers...

Letting Go and Driving a Big Rig

2011-02-17T02:49:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been watching the show Ice Road Truckers on my little computer, Netflix streaming. Mostly as a diversion. Mostly because I've felt stalled on everything lately, trying to process, trying to heal, trying to get myself back into gear as I move toward goals for myself and my family. Maybe it's absolutely ridiculous to find philosophical meaning in a reality show, or parallels in my own life, but I've found them none the less.

I've been working a lot on letting go. Letting go of oh so many things. As you transition though your life, as it molds and changes, moving you along, there are things that you have to let go of. There are times when you have to let go of anger, sadness or joy, of expectations or memories, of hopes or sorrows. There are times you have to let go of dreams or doubts, of people or places. I think for many this process is more difficult than almost anything else we go through. Change is difficult, and even good change is often sad. So when change comes from difficulty or sadness it can feel all-consuming, it can feel like the end of the world. But every breath is a choice to keep going, and if you keep going inevitably you might have to let go of things in order to walk forward.

On Ice Road Truckers, these truckers are driving literally on ice. Either over lakes, streams or ocean, or over tundra that is paved with ice to create a smooth surface. They can't really brake. They can't really accelerate. If they do they might spin out, vear off the road, or go through the ice. Talk about some forthright and direct consequences. Well, I think when you're transitioning from one kind of life to the next, from one kind of joy to a sorrow, from one kind of dream to another, it can feel like the same thing. It can feel like if you make a false step you'll fall into the cavern. It can feel like if you slip you'll fall through the ice, sorrow engulfing you and drowning you. But really, you have to just keep truckin'.

When you're at the top of an icy mountain pass, when you're at the peak of a life transition, when the world feels steep and dangerous both in front and in back of you, it's absolutely terrifying when you first drift over the edge, and begin to slowly accelerate down the other side. But the only way to do it is to let go. Let go of your fears. Let go of your hopes. Let go of your insecurities. Let go of your pride. Let go, and allow yourself to roll down that hill. If you freak out and try to slam on the breaks, you'll likely roll over and down the mountain. If you lose trust and figure out a way to slow yourself down too much, you'll likely not make it up the next hill.

You literally have no choice but to let go. Let go of whatever is hanging you up. You have no choice but to careen down into the valley, at ever increasing speed. The only choice you have is to do it with as much courage, trust and honor as you can. Breathing through every bump. Breathing deeper when you feel your hands start shaking. And by breathing, you've chosen to keep on rolling, and at least give it a try.

A friend's sweet little giveaway

2011-02-16T04:45:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to post that a friend has a very sweet little giveaway on her great blog! Oh - knitting books... who can have too many! :)

Sillouettes

2011-02-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

Today I just wanted to share something that I got recently that just brings me joy. It is everything that I love, somewhat old fashioned, adorable, beautiful, artful, and is all about my son! :)

Ruth Monsell was doing silhouettes at the bookstore my husband manages, and she did one for us of our son. There's something so timeless and sweet about this - capturing him beautifully, but even more precious to me than a photo (of which we have many... :))

She is from Damariscotta, which is near where I live, her website is ArtfulHeirlooms.com.

This is by no means a sponsorship post - I don't really want any kind of advertising on this blog o' mine - but this is too precious not to share. I didn't know people still did these, and watching the video of her doing one on her website - absolutely amazing. It makes me happy - so I had to share!

On being a custodian

2011-02-15T02:56:00.000-08:00

When I emerge from sleep, sometimes throughout the night, sometimes early in the morning, with darkness still deep outside, my first awareness is of my son's head next to mine. Throughout the night he makes his way up onto my pillow, lying his head next to mine, horizontal. He likes to put his arm over either mine, or his papa's necks. He likes to feel my forehead on the top of his head.

There's something about beginning every waking moment with this awareness that makes very clear to me the preciousness of being custodian to this little boy's hopes and dreams. Whatever he becomes, whoever he wants to be, whatever he enjoys doing, whatever he will grow up to dream about, right now his papa and I are the custodians to all his possibilities. And there's this funny thing that happens. When I look down at that little sleeping head, this responsibility, this purpose, doesn't for one second feel like a burden. I guess one of the surprises of parenthood for me has been what a comfort this is. Seeing him, feeling his hair tickling my ear, makes me realize what a sacred circle a family is. Seeing him makes me realize what a miracle we all started out as, even if we forget as we get older. Seeing him makes me believe in goodness, and hope, and joy, in a way that no adult would have been able to teach me.

There is no place I'd rather be, than on the pillow that my son reaches for in his sleep. There's no purpose I'd rather have, than guarding his heart, doing my best as a parent, and loving him as he begins his life.

Bold and True: It's Valentine's, let's celebrate Love and Compassion

2011-02-14T01:10:00.000-08:00

On Mondays I write things that are Bold and True, and some friends join in. To find out more, the original post is here!

It's Valentine's day! When I sat down to write today's post, the obvious choice was to say, hey I believe in love! Because I do. And it's Valentine's day. And that's what all the commercials and the cards and the candy and the fun and pink and hearts and romantic nights and everything are all about. And I believe in all this. It isn't silly to celebrate your love, rather it's important, and a date on a calendar is a great reminder for all of us to do this, when our busy lives sometimes don't allow us the room for thoughtfulness.

But today I'm going to talk about something a little more true for me, and that is Love and Compassion. I think to see love as a simple thing, is untrue. To see love as only lovely, is to not see it for all the colors and shades of grey that live within in. Life is so complex. People are so flawed, we are all just little humans going about our lives trying to do our best. And inevitably, at some point, we will be hurt or do the wrong thing, even to those we love. So when I say I believe in love and compassion, it's because I really believe in deeply true love, the amazingly beautiful kind that has depth. Not just between a pair of spouses, but between a parent and child, or friends. Not just between people, but between people and places. Within the confines of the human inability to be perfect, compassion is the key toward lasting love. Compassion is what you must have for yourself in difficult times. Compassion is what you must find when your love is tested. Compassion is what you must find when you don't understand.

But I also believe further. I believe the purpose of our lives here on earth is to live with as much love, compassion, honesty and integrity as we can. If we live life with love, even for those we don't understand, I believe we can find our way through the rest of it. If you approach politics with love and compassion for those who you don't understand, you can begin to see the world with truth and humility, and possibly gain a greater understanding and a greater ability to communicate with those you might normally struggle with. If you answer that telemarketing call with love and compassion you will understand that he or she is probably just a person, doing a job, because she has to. If you do your job or your work with love, you might find things in it that you like, even if you thought you hated it all, or it might give it a purpose that you felt you were lacking. That doesn't mean you have to walk through our lives acting like Pollyanna all the time. We should treat ourselves with love and compassion as well, and if we struggle, if we lose patience, if we are sad, we love ourselves through it, and have compassion in knowing that we're doing our best.

But I also think that Pollyanna gets a bad wrap. When did it become bad to try your best all the time. When did it become a bad thing to love your enemies, and your friends. Just because you love, doesn't mean you can't disagree. To love is not to sacrifice, rather it's to give yourself the gift of a bigger heart, a fuller life, and one that will bring you wisdom.

Or at least that's what I think. So on this day to celebrate love, I say let's celebrate real love, the deep kind, that holds the complexity of truth within it. So to all of you who might read this, whether married, partnered up, single, divorced, widowed, whatever your situation, there is love in your life. I see love as far more than a topic of romance, rather it's a choice. It's a choice to live your life in love, or not. LOVE to you all!

one moment

2011-02-11T02:27:00.000-08:00

Another moment - inspired by Soulemama...

Dreaming of summer... watching another snow storm...

Little things I have - on gratitude

2011-02-10T02:49:00.001-08:00

This week of lists continues. I hope it's not too boring, but sometimes the act of making lists, of organizing, of taking note, I find incredibly soothing. Yesterday morning I decided to have my camera with me and take pictures of little things I have that I love. That I really love, that define who I am, what my home means. I wanted to make note of all the little things - not the profound - that I'm grateful for and that give me joy. This is such a good practice, because I didn't even get 5 minutes into my day! There are so many things to notice, and there's something about taking a picture that makes you realize how meaningful something is. So, here's just a few...

These little pyrex salt and pepper shakers and the butter dish, which I found at different times at different thrift stores, but which for some reason make me smile every time I sit down to eat.

This lavender plant, which I thought had died, only to discover a tiny green sprout of hope, even as it sat abandoned in our barn.

This old wainscotting, discovered behind the wood paneling in our kitchen.

My family, this photo, and the beauty and complexity that is a shared path in life.

The snow melting, even if it is just a little, and it is re-freezing.

My grandma's tea pot - and the beautiful farm scenes painted on it
and the little teacups that match.

A little pile of old cookbooks, that seem to always have the cooking help
I can't find anywhere else.

My ergo carrier - without which I question my ability to mother,
or get through those teething days.

Book List

2011-02-09T02:40:00.000-08:00

So - I guess the week of the list will continue!! I've wanted to share this book list that I found a while back, so to continue the theme of lists from yesterday, I decided today was the day.

This article, "28 Must-Read Books That Will Forever Change How You See the World" by Sarah Irani, is great.

Normally I don't love book lists from online newspapers or magazines. But so far, this one is really good. Many of the books are very popular, some are more obscure. I love book lists in general, especially long ones. Sometimes, when you're interested in a topic, you can tend to just read the 2 maybe 3 most popular books about the subject. Long booklists help you move past this. Already I've found several on here that I haven't read, and a few I hadn't even heard of. So - if you're a book addict, like me... if you're a list love, like me... if you love educating yourself about sustainability, food, bioregionalism, and the gamut of subjects regarding these things - as well as the future of the world.... ENJOY! :)

Things I'd like to have...

2011-02-08T02:26:00.000-08:00

This galvanized double wash tub

I don't even know what I'd use it for. I've just wanted it for years. Of course, I'd have to have this wringer to go with it.
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A Massey Fergusson Vintage Tractor... who needs a car...

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These organic wool/silk long underwear, for everyone in my family...

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This horse drawn farm equipment... For when we have our big electric/oil free farm...

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This book, which my entire library system doesn't have and I can't find for under $25...

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These McGuffey Readers, ordered of course from my local bookstore, and This Curriculum list for my son.

Bold and True: On Nature

2011-02-07T01:50:00.000-08:00

Here's yet another installment of this little Monday series. So far these Mondays have worked for me, I hope they have for some of you. It will probably fade just a little over time, but I like having a blogging day where I'm particularly true to my own boldness, to my own truth, and I make sure to really say something that I mean.

That said, today's might seem over simplified. I believe in, I love, nature. Really, truly, to me so many problems can be sourced out of a disregard for nature. I love it. It offers solace, beauty, peace, warmth, and for me, spirit. I've always loved nature. When I was in school I felt a disconnection to most of the literature and science that was "taught" to mel. Then somewhere in middle school I discovered nature writing. And even better, the teachers seemed to discover it as well. Sitting cross legged on a lawn somewhere, staring at a tree or a certain kind of insect, I always felt like I had to look deeply. Like within the stillness of just being there, I would find more to see. I always felt that nature had things to teach me.

Then, one day while I was pregnant I started crying because I realized my baby would end up going on playdates. Alright, so maybe I was hormonal, but to me this just felt strange. I didn't want my child to live in a world where he went to playdates at a park or children's center. I wanted him to play, I wanted him to go outside and play. I guess this was a moment when I realized how different some of my ideals were to those in the world surrounding me. There is nothing wrong with playdates. Scheduled socialization can keep mommies sane, give fun to the kids, and provide them with alternate stimulation and socialization. But the lack of freedom within this context had me worried. I realized that freedom within nature was a huge foundation for my life, and one that I saw giving life a sense of connection and purpose.

When we care about nature we care about our impact on it. When we spend time in nature we remember how huge the big old world is, and see the beauty of the stars. It reminds us of our humility and our beauty. I think it keeps us real. Preserving nature, respecting nature, and if you live in a place where it's hard to find, seeking it out, I think are things that ground you into your role as human within this miraculous world.

One Moment

2011-02-04T03:03:00.000-08:00

Again inspired by Soulemama. It's a lovely thing this weekly ritual, so many people coming together on a Friday to find a special moment from their week, and enjoy one from others. A bit of a pause, a noticing of our lives. Feel free to share a moment of your own, and check out all the ones to be found at Soulemama.

February

2011-02-03T02:04:00.000-08:00

January and February in Maine can feel harsh. There's usually a period of 2 weeks where the temperature never raises enough to let the squeek come out of the wooden front steps, or the frost on the windows clear enough to see out of. February can feel worse, only because it comes after January. It snows, and it's cold, and finally the clouds can creep in so deeply that you forget there's another side to them, and blue sunny skies seem like a figment, a glimmer of a rainbow on a foggy day that you think you remember seeing, but somehow don't trust enough to believe in.

But you know what, this time of winter, this epoch of the season, is also absolutely exquisitely beautiful. I don't know how silence is quieter when it's below 10 degrees. I don't know how snow becomes a part of the earth, no longer a visitor, no longer clinging to the edges of things, but rather a part of it, molding to it, shaping it. I don't know how these things happen exactly, whether it's just the succumbing to the season around you, or the very realness of it. This part of the season reminds me of some of my favorite people. It is forthright. It is not bashful. It doesn't draw attention to itself, but will never ever pretend to be something that it's not. It's absolutely gorgeous in a way that only striking and disconcerting things can be.

It has fervor, and strength, and tenacity, and peace and stillness and beauty. It tests you. How much more can you shovel without whining about it. It tests you, and expects you to rise to the occasion. I don't know. It's cold, the ice has crept into places it shouldn't, inside of windows, into pipes, under car doors. It's cold, and has a bit of a take-no-prisoners attitude. But I love it. I love the feel of my nostrils filling with ice even as my body sweats underneath my arctic parka as I shovel the drive. More than anything, I love the absolutely pristine light, the light that shines with a force and pierces through your morning, playing games with the snow and ice, creating colors out of white.

Project Chickens: update number 1

2011-02-02T02:38:00.000-08:00

So. We're getting chickens! Well, baby chickens. Baby chickens who will hopefully be all girls. I guess we'll see if a Rooster sneaks past the "chick sexer".

So far this has been a deliriously happy and fun project, and a super fun learning curve. I thought for anyone out there who might find my new explorations into chickens comical, or for those who might also want some chickens, I'd track my progress with some sporadic updates from Project Chickens. We're going to keep them for the eggs, for the pets, and for the joy. Pretty much all of it except the meat.

I've decided to get 9 baby chicks, Buff Orpingtons, from a hatchery in Connecticut. I'm getting babies because I really want to get chickens that will be cold hearty and good layers. Also - I love the idea of raising them so that we'll get to know each other gently. I'll be more comfortable with them, and they'll be more comfortable with me. Also - since I don't let my son watch very many videos or movies, we'll be introducing "chick tv". We'll be installing a little plexiglass window in the brooder box, and I look forward to spending hours and hours watching our little chicks peck around. I know my son will love it because I found a youtube video with a bunch of chicks and he signs "chicken" and points to my laptop at least 3 times a day.

Why am I getting them from a hatchery in Connecticut? And it's even stranger, they're being mailed to me. Well, at first I decided there was no way I would let my little baby chicks be mailed. But there aren't any hatcheries within driving distance that will have the breed I want, and after researching I am not nearly as worried about the chicks being sent through the mail. I'm going to wait until temperatures are safer and more comfortable, and the company I've found includes a safe device that retains heat. I also decided to get them from a hatchery, because if I got them more local I'd have to take what I got, and most likely would end up with far too many roosters. Well, since we won't be using our chicks for meat, and I don't love the idea of raising one to be sent off for meat, I decided the most logical, humane and safe thing to do was go with a hatchery. We'll see how it goes, and I hope I was right.

Why Buff Orpingtons? Well, I'm a novice but everywhere I looked said that Orpingtons are supposed to be good layers, cold hearty, and very docile. Several reports said that they were so docile they'll sometimes get picked on by other sorts of hens. So - all Orpingtons it is!

The chickens will have to stay in the house for the first month, and I plan on keeping them in for an additional month. My husband has built the mac-daddy of all chicken brooders that will stay in our laundry room. It should be big enough for them until they're 2 months, then they'll go out to the coop (which we also have yet to build).

The brooder so far cost about $14, and we used different wood and plywood that we had lying around, and bought a few 1 x 2s and some screening. In the laundry room they'll be separated from the rest of the house (no barn smell or dust in my kitchen), but we can heat the room if we need to. They'll stay under a heat lamp for warmth until they're ready for the colder temperatures.

(one thing that's nice about living in a too big for you, old house with a neverending list of repairs needed... you can fit a chicken coop in your laundry room and because there's no ceiling, flooring or walls in some places you don't worry about it getting messy! :) I realize I'm very lucky as most people wouldn't have room in there home.)

That's the bare-bones of my chicken knowledge so far! They're not coming for almost 2 months, but we needed to get the brooder made because we have so many other projects to try and do this spring. Although, now that it's up and sitting there, I really want them to come now!!!

Feeding the birds.

2011-02-01T02:45:00.000-08:00

I went to the water this weekend looking for solace, and found a man feeding the birds.
Perfect.
It's the sweet moments.
It's the humble moments.
It's the moment when nobody is watching.
Is is me or is this man, his hands, his hat, the birds and their gray wings in flight absolutely beautiful.

BOLD and TRUE: I'm still here

2011-01-31T02:00:00.000-08:00

For more info on the Bold and True series, check it out here, or in the subject sidebar and remember if you want to join in just leave a comment for people to find, or participate in private, too. That's fine. My mac has a hard time commenting on some blogging sites - so if I'm late commenting know I've read it, and loved it, and am just waiting to have time on our PC. Happy monday to all!

I had a hard time coming up with a post today. You see, the thing about blogging is that I'm sharing some of myself with the cyber world - this strange, vague, incredibly public yet incredibly private place. I'm always hesitant to write about anything that's a downer. I want to try to find things that are helpful, productive, joyous, happy. In life, I don't want to always be happy. Frankly, for me that's not where my deepest truth lies. But I also think it's helpful for me, and hopefully any readers, to focus on the truth, but to do it in a way that makes things better, that makes our lives more joyous or honest or kind or true to who we are.

This Bold and True series is all about things we believe in, things that we're proud of. And, to be honest, I had a pretty rough week last week and have struggled a bit to get back to the center of myself. We've all had them, those weeks that make us doubt the thing that we fought so long to believe in. Those weeks where it seems like no matter what we do that realm of ease, that place of peace, that time in our lives when we'll be able to rest, will never come. Those weeks where our heart hurts and it is so easy to turn back toward the insecurities we fought to get rid of, our bad habits, and things that are not good for us. I am fine, and I don't mean to be depressing. But I think that these things happen to all of us. If they don't happen to you, then for goodness sake write me and tell me how you do it.

So after thinking about something to write that I'm proud of, and pondering taking a blogging break, I came up with this. I am still here. Life has a way of trying to prove to you that you're not strong enough, doesn't it? It has a way of taking the very things that you've started to get complacent about, and testing them. We all have struggles that touch our lives and break our hearts, in big ways or little. But you know what, we can make it through. I have been working out too much to music way too loud. I have been lax on deadlines that I've just given up on. I have been hugging my son and my husband just a few too many times. But you know what? I am still here. More times than I can count I've been down, not knowing if I had the strength to get up again or not, but I am still here. This passage will just move me toward the next. All of us, everywhere, who are still here, have things to be proud of, have things to honor, have strength in ourselves that we cannot know we possess until it is tested.

I'm ready for a new week! How bout you! And checkout tomorrow where there will be the sweetest most deliciously wonderful little moment that I stumbled upon this weekend and plan to share. A moment of goodness, a moment of joy and complete humble beauty...

A warm sunday pattern

2011-01-30T05:25:00.000-08:00

Here's another free old pattern I wanted to share for those cold winter months! This is from The Complete Guide to Modern Knitting and Crocheting by Alice Carrol. This is such a lovely book. From 1942

one moment

2011-01-28T02:30:00.001-08:00

Here's another friday moment, inspired by Soulemama.

My new indoor herb garden seedlings, somehow still surviving a few inches from ice on the inside of the window.

never stop dreaming

2011-01-27T02:36:00.000-08:00

While I was in the barn/workshop the other day looking for materials to build our chicken brooder (ha! more on this next week) I saw a little piece of my dream lying amidst the sawdust, under some contractor paper...

When I posted earlier this week about living amidst uncertainty, a part of that is figuring out my dream of the off-grid large farm that I want my family to grow up on. I want it for myself - a life long dream. I want it for my son - so that he plays with the chickens and the goats and the grasses and the trees and the stars instead of the television characters or video games. I want it for our future, as the availability of oil and other cheap energy sources becomes more difficult. I want it for the peace. I want it for the security. I want it for the beauty. I want it for the home. It's a yearning I've talked about here before, but just because I yearn, doesn't mean I don't have doubts. I want it desperately, but I also think that homeschool wouldn't be the best for my son (at least to start), and my husband works in town. A small town, but still. So how do I combine all the aspects of our life, how do we work even harder (when most days I feel like that's impossible) to afford it, to find it, to discover it. It's all a bit uncertain. There are days, my lower days, when I feel indeed like it's impossible. It feels like my dream for myself is dying, and my desires for my son are fading with them...

But then there's this sink in the barn. A farmhouse sink that I picked up at a tag sale for our someday home. It sits there, taking up valuable room, but it makes it all seem possible. It makes the dream somehow feel like a physical reality, even if the only tangible piece of it is this dirty old sink sitting amidst the rubble on the floor of our barn. But someday?... Someday that sink will be put into my kitchen, the kitchen I've been dreaming about, the kitchen I've been looking for. I will stand at that sink and wash my garden veggies. I will stand at that sink and wash my son's hands, dirty from playing in the forest.

Never stop dreaming. On my lowest days, I think I will go stand and look at that sink. And remember that it's there, waiting.

from 1939...

2011-01-26T03:19:00.000-08:00

I found a great old Saturday Evening Post a week or so back at the thrift store. I picked it up thinking I'd sell it, but am enjoying it too much!

As I was looking through it I noticed a lot of the fantastic ads seemed to be about cars. Because of this week's "peak oil" theme - unintended, it just seems to be working out that way - I thought it would be fun to share all the car ads. I started taking pictures of them... Then I realized the sheer volume of them. They take up probably 2/3 of the ad space in the magazine. So while we figure out the impact on oil on our lives today, lets remember the legacy of it. Both the good and the bad. Oil and cars and what it brought to this country did make a lot of things possible. It also has caused a chain reaction to begin, that might end up with a depletion of oil. So while we try to change our lives today, let us not feel guilty about causing it. There is history, there is tradition, and while we still need to change our actions, it's not our fault. Guilt doesn't get us anywhere.

... So - that's why I wanted to share these ads. They're fun to look at from a kitchy or historical perspective. But they're also a pretty interesting part of our current lives. This is a record of how our love of cars and oil began. It's still to be discovered how it will end.

living amidst uncertainty

2011-01-25T02:32:00.000-08:00

I've talked about living amidst the "midst"... Living in that state of transition where things are moving so quickly you can't quite feel the ground firmly below you, so you have to seek it out. This past week I've been thinking about living amidst uncertainty. Considering my post from yesterday it seemed pertinent to talk about today.

I don't like living amidst uncertainty. I've never been good at it. One of the reasons I'm preparing for "Peak Oil" is because I like to be prepared. I like to prepare for the worst, and be pleasantly surprised if the best happens. I suppose that makes me a bit of a pessimist, but it's also been reinforced, unfortunately, in my life more times than I can count. Maybe that means I'm scarred and my opinion is tainted... but I don't really think so. It's not that I'm a doomsdayer, it's just that I've learned that sometimes the worst does happen, so if you're prepared for it sometimes it takes the anxiety away from it.

But that uncertainty of knowing what's going to happen? That anxiety that can come from it? Not always fun to live with. When big things are left unknown in your life, when will I find a job, where will I find a home, will my child be healthy, what am I supposed to do with my life (something that I don't think you stop wondering when you turn 20, or 30, or 40, or 60, or 80)... When these big things are unknown, and many of them at the same time, it can feel like your life is floating along. It can be dizzying in both its confusion and possibility.

I've found 3 things to be helpful. First, some kind of faith and trust. Whether you have a religious faith, a faith in the universe, a trust in yourself, or even a trust in the possibilities that exist out there, some kind of faith or trust can give you patience and solace. Second, I find that these dizzying times are also a great reminder, and a life's lesson, to focus on the gift of today. Tomorrow may be another blizzard, but today there is sunshine. Tomorrow may be very sunny, but today there are miraculous flakes of snow falling, blanketing the earth in stillness. Every day is a blessing, and one that you can't get back. So it's a good reminder to live in the moment, cherish today, for the good and the bad. If it's been the worst day of your life? Well, then wait until sunset and be grateful that it's over, and you'll never have to go through it again.

My third might be mostly for me, because there are 2 balms for my soul. One is quite lovely, the other I believe shows my neurosis (I'm only partly kidding!) Nature, and a quiet moment to ponder the grandness of it, and getting things done, both give me comfort. In times of uncertainty there is always something to do, something to improve on, something to learn, something to try.

I do believe in providence, but I believe it comes from actively seeking and working for what you'd like. That way you're in the right place when that door opens in front of you. One thing I tell myself a lot is "Work your but off, and get out of God's (or spirits, or fates, or the universe's or the Goddess', or intuition's) way." Meaning, you may not know the best course for you life, you may not know what's going to happen, but there are still things to do. Work, improve things, improve yourself, volunteer, and move through your life, and in that good action I believe "fate" might very well find you. It's easier to listen to our intuition when all we're doing is walking to the door, than trying to figure out "what is the purpose of my life". Maybe that sounds weird. But sometimes, in the midst of uncertainty, the sheer number of possibilities are stifling and overwhelming. If we just focus on intentionally going through today, we might realize in a month that the whole time we were moving toward our purpose. It just happened gradually when each day we moved in the right direction, even when we weren't always sure what direction we were going in.

Bold And True - One thing I believe

2011-01-24T02:07:00.000-08:00

Today, as another part of this whole "Bold and True" thing that I, and some of my bloggy friends, are doing, I'm going to tell you very briefly about something that I believe, that explains a great deal about a lot of the other things I do in my life.

For more information about the Bold and True series, check it out here, and if you'd like to comment or write anything of your own, just leave a link in the comments for all to find!

This topic is both boring, depressing, inspiring and infinitely passionate in its ability to either inspire action or terrify. So be warned. Haha. I'm mostly kidding. I believe that to be happy in life one must be knowledgeable. While some like to live within a realm of ignorance, unaware of some of the more serious or scary propositions of life, I don't believe that's true happiness. I believe that true happiness and joy come from being knowledgeable and wise about the enormity of life, and feeling connected to it all, both the good and the bad.

I believe in Peak Oil. Many people reading this have probably heard of it already. Actually, I don't really think it's something you believe in, I think it's a scientific fact that we just either know about or don't. The severity of the consequences...well, I'm not entirely sure about that. But being prepared for it and living my life in a way that provides for the future safety of my family, and most importantly my son's life after I'm gone, is incredibly important to me.

What is Peak Oil? Peak oil is based on an American geologist name Hubbert, who explained that oil production and the extraction of oil from our planet will reach a peak. He explained that the amount we can extract at any one time will change, first going up - until we've tapped the most possible sources of it, and then it will reach a peak, and then it will go down. It's the going down part where some problems may occur. Basically, when it really starts going down, especially if it happens relatively fast at all, we will have problems. Our entire society is built around oil. It's not as simple as getting gas for your car. Your toothbrush is probably made of oil. All plastics, many products, (petroleum jelly is called petroleum for a reason), and many things you would never think about, contain oil or are produced with oil either as a material or a fuel. All these things we buy, and all these things we eat, are also usually brought to us on big trucks or tankers or boats that contain oil. Oil is intricately linked to almost every aspect of our lives. When the peak starts going down, there is more demand than supply, and the price goes up, it might go up very quickly, causing a chain reaction in everything that uses it. Eventually, as Hubbert predicts, the oil might run out entirely or become so expensive that only the Rockefellers of the world are able to get it. If this downward peak happens (and I don't really believe it's an if, more of a when) EVERYTHING will have to change. How we heat our homes, what our products are made of, what we eat, how we get our food, how we transport ourselves, how we cook, how we travel, almost everything that you can think of as a part of your daily life might be disrupted, unless you help your family transition into a new post-oil era gradually, getting ready for what the future might hold.

There is so much information out there, that I don't really feel the need to explain too much more because I won't do an adequate job of it.

A simple explanation that I like is from the TransitionCulture website... Which is also a great resource if you're wondering what some people are preparing to do with this.

Here's another from the Energy Bulletin...

You can search for a LOT of other information if you'd like... But onto the "Oh my gosh, now you've terrified me, what can we DO" part of the day

There are lots of grassroots websites, blogs and networks that are trying to do something to prepare for the inevitability of a world without oil. Many of them focus on education, but many focus on direct actions you can do within your home of community... Here are a few favorites.

Beyond Peak

Transition Network
or
Transition Culture

There are NUMEROUS blogs of people transitioning their lives to be more oil-free.

What am I doing? Well, firstly, I'm trying to educate myself. I'm trying to read up, study, be observant. I'm planning how to live as sustainably as possible. This doesn't have to be a doomsday scenario. I actually, don't hate me, think it might be eventually good for us all. For millenia we have lived without oil. If you look at the long scheme of human history, I believe that our love of and use of oil we be a blip. It will be like a drunken escapade, a night gone awry, until we woke up the next morning and came to our senses. Truthfully, even if oil were going to last forever, I've always desired an "off-grid" lifestyle, so more than anything else for me it puts the focus on preparing some security for my son's life, should this all happen after I'm long gone (although I don't believe it will take that long).

I'm fixing up this house piece by piece, every hour that's free, so that it can become our nest egg to buy a large piece of land to build on or renovate. I want a wood cookstove, and only partial electricity that is powered by solar. I'm researching now and planning the build of our passive solar chicken coop. I'm learning how to farm and garden, even if it's mostly from books. But the most important thing I think I'm doing? I'm not turning a blind eye. I'm not ignoring what I now know because I'm so busy or tired, and I'm trying every day to be observant as to how can we use less energy, what would work for us in our future, how to secure both our safety AND our happiness. I'm hoping when I'm freed up from little toddler feet that I'll have more time to work within the community, and do more physical work on our current property, and hopefully our next.

Change does not have to be scary. It can be a time when you really ponder your life, shave off some unimportant pieces, and come out with only what's really important to you. Transitioning isn't always comfortable, but metamorphoses is astounding in it's beauty. It is a part of life, a part of the ever-changing cycle of the universe, and one of the ways in which we are all connected.

Thanks for reading! And feel free to comment or leave a link if you have something to share.

Something Old, a freebie

2011-01-23T12:18:00.000-08:00

I found this crochet baby leggings pattern that some people on another internet forum were looking for. I find old old pattern books all the time at sales and thrift stores, and I feel a strange desire to preserve some of these materials. So - from now on - particularly on weekends, when sometimes I'll schedule the posts ahead of time, you might find some of these here. I haven't made these yet - so if you do and have any tips or input - I'd love to here it! Or better yet, send me a picture... :) I've uploaded a jpeg of the pdf I made from it. It should enlarge enough to read it (just click on the picture - it should open in another window). I may try to upload it differently next time if people want it and have a hard time with it. Just let me know!

From Hand Knits by Beehive, "For Babies" from 1946...

one moment, a moment between the storms

2011-01-21T14:37:00.000-08:00

The day began with backing up my computer, which has been doing funny things, and then moved into shoveling, and more shoveling. So I'm a bit late in posting! :)

We've had a few weeks of storms. More January storms than I remember in a while. I love storms, but the work of them, the shoveling, filling tubs with water in case the electric water pump goes, making sure there's some cooked food, some candles at the ready. I love the quietness of storms, the preparedness. But, I will say that we've had more than the enjoyable share of them. Which makes a moment of quiet sunlight shining, literally, during the hour between two storms, all the more beautiful, pristine. It is only in the middle of storms that you feel true gratitude for the sun, in whatever metaphorical or physical way you'd like to take that.

Van Jones on Plastic

2011-01-20T02:15:00.000-08:00

The wisdom of ole.... but sometimes not so much.

2011-01-19T02:53:00.000-08:00

You all know I love things from our history. I love cookbooks and old homemaking books, the older the better. Partly because they are such high quality, partly because they offers keys and insights into the history of women, and partly because they're a tangible piece of a simpler past.

There are so many amazing recipes that I am excited to try in my latest Salvation Army thrift store find. So many great recipes, and some... not so much.

The Modern Encyclopedia of Cooking from 1953...

I'm so excited to try this one!

This one not so much...

This one I'm excited about!!!!

This one not so much...

This one I'll make in the winter!

This one... probably never...

One thing at a time...

2011-01-18T02:15:00.000-08:00

The sweet comments to yesterday's post made me think of something, and reminded me of something that I needed to be reminded of this week. Whatever we want to do with our lives, wherever we want to go, we can only get there one step at a time. I'm a multi-tasker. Believe me, I'm a multi-taster. I'm addicted to activity, always doing 3 things at once with the next 3 lined up in my head. Mostly from necessity, but also because I'm driven to try to get where we need to go, do what needs to get done, not because I'm a martyr, but because this is enjoyable. It's a delicious feeling to accomplish something you'd set out to do, to feel yourself moving toward a goal.

But even if you're doing several things at a time, you can really only do one thing in this moment, take one step toward something at a time. Changing your life, whether it's to move toward a new job, become a certain kind of parent, reach a certain goal, or live a more sustainable and simple life, must be done step by step. I think the key toward patience, something I've struggled with greatly lately, is to realize and honor each step that you're on. I also think that one of the huge keys toward getting wherever you're going is to JUST. KEEP. GOING. I've probably said that one of my favorite quotes of all time is to "just keep swimming" from Dorie, in Finding Nemo. Because to me, although it might sound like drudgery and depressing, this is the key to life. Whether life gives you lemons or lemonade, if you just keep swimming through it, you'll reach the other side. If you just keep swimming to you goals, no matter how slowly you travel, you will reach the shore. I believe that life is an endurance test, not a sprint.

So the past week or so, as I've been slightly on the grumpy side wanting a vista, and a barn, and some goats, and paths and fields and meadows and forests for my son and I to frolick in, and work in, I also randomly have been asked about some things that I do. Sometimes by walking step by step you don't realize how far you've come. You turn around and see how far away you started, and how far you've already come. I've come far in moving toward the life that I want for my family, the care I want to take for our place. Slowly changing the way you eat, slowly adding more local foods or materials or products, slowly learning to make more of your food, slowly learning about energy resources, slowly living less wastefully, slowly learning about land management, permaculture, animal care. I just recently began successfully making all our yogurt, realizing that in Maine, a heating pad is needed to keep the culture at the "room temperature" that books talk about. I make our own laundry soap, I make all our cleaning products, we fix our own cars, we do our own plumbing, carpentry, haircuts, dental work (ok, so that I wouldn't mind going to an expert for... haha), we make our own bread, cook mostly from whole foods that come from bins in the local food co-operative. And there are more, things that have become a part of our routine that are just that, routine. They're so natural I don't even think about them here. This afternoon I'm planning on ordering chickens. A few years ago the thought would have terrified me. How would we build a coop? How would I find the time? How do you take care of chickens? Where would I buy what they eat? Is that even legal? I didn't grow up knowing these things, they weren't always a part of my life, so I have to learn them. You get to a point where things are no longer scary, seem completely doable and even more, exciting. You get there by just keeping swimming, until all the sudden you wake up and find yourself where you wanted to go. I know that someday I'll find my farm, where I'll live until I die, and never move again. Where my son will have security and land, and an opportunity to survive if the world goes to pot. I know that this will happen firstly because I'm determined, and if you know me personally you know better than to tell me something's impossible cause I'll just prove you wrong. But also, I know we'll get there because when I take a few moments to stop swimming, and look back, I realize how far we've come, and realize that the other side of the river isn't quite as far away as it seems now.

I guess sharing this is my way of saying, "just keep swimming", but don't forget to notice how far you've come. By doing that I've found at least a little bit of patience to soothe my discontent, and I hope it will do the same for you. Now, I'm off to talk to the feed store guy and order some baby chicks. Oh my gosh, did I just say that? :)

from MLK

2011-01-17T16:10:00.000-08:00

"Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force."

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

It's Monday, so here's what I believe in...

2011-01-17T02:42:00.000-08:00

I will be brief today, as time's gotten away from me the past few days. It's Monday, so here's a little post in the Bold and True series. Read about it here, and join in! Feel free to leave links to your blogs if you'd like to post or share anything that you believe in, or are proud of.

Today, I'll just share briefly about something that is core to who I am, and incredibly important to me. I share it not to convince you I'm right. But again, it's something that I really really believe in, and that I'm proud is a part of my life. Please please please if you don't agree don't think I'm saying that you're wrong, or that I'm judging you. I really don't see it like that. I'm just sharing something that's important to me, as a way of sharing a big part of myself.

I'm a vegetarian, and have been for 10-12 years. I believe that this is the right thing for me intellectually, physically, nutritionally, spiritually, morally, environmentally, consciously, and in every way possible. It is about so much more than food, it's about so much more than nutrition, it's a completely all encompassing thing that's a part of my life. To me it's the healthiest for my body. To eat the plentiful plant proteins that the earth provides, is healthier. To alter your diet to rely more on these natural, fiber enriched foods, and less on the extreme foods, is healthier. To me it's healthier for the earth. If you continue to drive a car, but give up eating meat for the rest of your life, you will have saved more fossil fuels than if you stopped driving your car but continued eating meat. The most common way of producing meat is just that wasteful. To me it's the best thing spiritually. If you don't take animal life to nourish your own, it puts you in a more understanding and compassionate realm of possibility. I cannot imagine ever eating meat. And while it's nutritionally incredibly sound to eat a vegetarian diet, even if it wasn't, I wouldn't start eating meat. I don't understand how people can go back to eating meat after giving it up, unless they haven't developed the same feeling about it as I have. To me, also, not eating meat helps you raise your consciousness a little. To me dissociating from what that thing on your plate is, helps you dissociate from more things in your life. And not dissociating from it and eating it anyway I can't imagine doesn't break your soul just a little bit. I think there's a reason why a lot of the spiritual groups or religions in the world require their monks, spiritual leaders, or followers to live a vegetarian lifestyle. But - I completely understand that not everyone feels about it like I do.

Those are the things that I believe, anyway. I am a slightly small statured woman who healthily birthed a 9 1/2 pound baby boy who's hardly ever been sick a day in his life, who's made entirely out of plants. By being careful, understanding nutrition, and being willing to make it one focus in my life, I was able to find foods that help build up our iron levels, build up our strength, and build up our spirit whenever we need recharging. And, frankly, it's not very hard.

I eat local eggs, I drink local raw milk, and any dairy or honey, or any other animal products I do use, I try to only use when they're local and humane. Humane is more important to me than organic, even though they usually come together.

All that said, people who do want to eat meat, who raise their own animals or in some way ensure those animals live a healthy life, I admire. But I still say, you're still taking a life to nourish your own. I believe, in this day and age, that's not necessary. If food were scarce and my son was hungry? I'd hunt to feed him. But I would cry if I had to eat it myself. One thing that makes me incredibly sad, is that I believe that if most people really saw how so many animals that are raised for meat suffer, not in their death but in their life, that we wouldn't allow it. I'm not saying we would all give up meat or commercial eggs or commercial dairy, but we would understand that we needed to care for these creatures better, and take a stand to make it happen.

Have a wonderful Wintery week. We have snow here!

one moment

2011-01-14T02:08:00.000-08:00

This isn't a moment from this week, obviously. But I've been scanning old family pictures to preserve them, and this moment is just too fantastic not to share.

Working inside, Looking outside

2011-01-13T02:22:00.001-08:00

Yesterday we had a whopper of a storm! I didn't think it would be that bad, so at about noon went outside to shovel, while the boy slept peacefully with my mother listening to the baby monitor. I stepped outside and our long steep driveway was completely daunting! SO much snow to shovel. Had the kind teenager down the street not seen me and stopped to help for a bit I wouldn't have gotten far! The afternoon was spent shoveling our way out, taking turns moving the snow shovel full by shovel full.

The morning had been spent watching the snow fall, watching the storm get stronger and stronger, and hoping every time the power turned off for a bit or flickered that it would come back on. I made yogurt, made our laundry soap, and got some planning done for this summer. (there are some cute little chirping bundles in our future we think... :))

The whole day was mostly spent working for our survival.... We sweated and got sore muscles from moving all the snow, clearing it from the roof, making room for us to get out. The time inside was spent cooking and planning. I think, along with rest and inspiration, that work can be bliss. I think you have to rest, and you have to find pursuits or hobbies that bring you fulfillment and joy. And, of course, you have to make a living, however it is that you do that. But doing handmade work of some kind to provide for your basic needs does more than save money, it provides a sense of routine and ritual in a way. These things take time, but they help me learn patience, which is not naturally something I'm good at.

Today it's supposed to stop - so I imagine we'll be playing in some fresh snow this afternoon!

seeking the beauty

2011-01-12T02:31:00.000-08:00

When the world seems haunted by unhappiness, tragedy, or ignorance, I think you must seek out moments of beauty, moments of solace and tiny miracles wherever you can find them. For me, taking a really good look at the place around you, especially if you can find even the smallest bit of nature, usually provides at least something. Yesterday I was wooed by the water, and we went to visit it on a clear winter day. Looking at the Atlantic, knowing that somehow this water at my feet is connected to the water all around the world, with no boundaries, with no borders, makes me feel small. It makes the earth feel huge and powerful and knowing, and reminds me that even if things are difficult or sad, there are greater things going on. It doesn't mean stop working for a better future, but it does mean that you can sit, be still, and find peace and comfort in the Aeons. Weather it's the earth, the spirit, the beautiful sunny day, or just the amazing humility that the ocean can give you, there is always some comfort to be found.

a tiny rainbow somehow there, with no sun or rain in sight...

"The kitchen's of America have gone to War", 1943

2011-01-11T03:14:00.000-08:00

"The kitchens of America have gone to War. Today every homemaker is drafted and the kitchen apron is her uniform. In small towns, in big cities and on farms, American women are standing up to daily battles as momentous as those on the military fronts -- the battle of supply and demand, of food values against food shortage, of flavor versus monotony. And, like our boys in blue and brown, housewives must expect much hardship and little glory. Yet on their smallest decisions hang tremendous results. The struggle in the kitchen will decide not only the health and morale of the home front but the conservation of our nation's food supply. Women are hastening or retarding our final Victory. The hand that cuts the ration coupon may win the war."

This is written by "Mrs. William Brown Meloney" in the beginning of the Introduction to the third edition of America's Cook Book, copyright 1943.

(an image from the book)

I spoke yesterday about my love of old home-making books and cookbooks. When I read this introduction it reminded me why. The work of cooking is valued, both in its importance to the family, and country. This passage has such boldness, such confidence, such a call to arms within it, that I can't help but find it inspiring today. I'll move past that this great writer is known as Mrs. William... For with food prices rising, and possibility of worse food shortages in our future, I find this 1943 wartime introduction quite pertinent. For how and what we prepare for dinner has an effect on our family, our country and our world. That may seem like hyperbole, a gross overstatement that I make just because it's something that I believe in. And it is, indeed, something that I believe in. But it is not hyperbole. I can prepare for my family a local, organic, protein rich vegetarian meal for usually between $2 - 6. That will feed four. One person only weighs about 30 pounds, but he eats more than me, so I count him as a whole number. Whether that sounds like a small or large number to you, it's less the amount that matters, and more the context. That $2-6 is within our budget. Sure, I'd love pine nuts when I make pesto, and I would love more ingredients that recipes call for, but it's within our budget. By spending as much money as possible on local ingredients you put the money you have toward the food, rather than the gas and oil it took to get that food to your plate. You also give the little money you have toward a local farmer and his or her family, keeping that money in your community and supporting a family instead of a company. All of these little things are about one main thing: eat, prepare your meals, and nourish your family intentionally. Make you calories, make your money, and make your time count. Sometimes I succumb to sales and convenience and get some box meals, just the other night at about 5:15 I talked to my husband, soon to on his way home from work and said. "yeah... it's a frozen pizza kind of day". Nuff said. At least it's not popcorn or pie. But when I read this passage, "every homemaker is drafted", that's what it feels like to me. So many of the greater problems I see out there in the world can be changed, at least a tiny bit, in how I run my household, and what I teach my son. So while I definitely won't do it perfectly, I will do my best, and try not to forget its importance.

below are images from my Grandfather's 1943 Ration Book...

BOLD and TRUE: on homemaking

2011-01-10T02:30:00.000-08:00

This is the first monday installment of the BOLD and TRUE series. If you haven't read that post, please do so, as it will make sense of what and why I (and whoever else joins in) are doing this. My first post was here.

A few little reminders. First, while debate is important, this space isn't really meant for that. We all have things we believe in that others would disagree with. This space is for honoring who we all are, and our act of speaking the bold and true things about ourselves. Second, if you'd like any others to find you post from today, feel free to leave a link to it in the comments, and if you post, if possible, try to visit some other links and comment on their post as well. Third, if you'd like to join in and would like to be in the sidebar, let me know through comments or e-mail me. I will be making a picture, that hopefully will turn into a button for anyone to put on their blog if they'd like. I just haven't gotten to it yet! :)... Now for the post...

So, I am a feminist. But one of my favorite things to do is discover a pre 60s homemaking or housekeeping book at a thrift store and pore over every page.

I am a feminist, but I completely understand the sentiment, in many ways, of the anti-feminist pro-femininity movement that has arisen. Anyone reading is probably at this point going... Okay, explain yourself please.

To be a feminist is to honor the equality of every man and woman, and respect their strengths. It's to believe that there is no such thing as a hierarchy within humanity. We are all human, both afflicted and blessed by the human condition, we are all equal. THAT, is what it means to me to be a feminist, and I will wear this label proud, even if it means that some people might not take the time to understand what I'm saying, or to realize (if they disagree with the sentiment behind this label) how much common ground we probably have.

I also believe than in many cases, particularly if there are children in the household, that the family is served best my someone managing and taking care of that home at least part if not full time. I believe children are usually best raised, if at all possible, by their parents. I know, shocking, right?

I believe in a homecooked meal, a house cared for, a child read to, a slower pace, hanging clothes out to dry, making yogurt from scratch, and even cheese, making laundry soap - or some kind of soap, mending your clothes instead of buying new ones, creating games instead of buying the latest video game. I believe in sitting down for meals, instead of grabbing it in the car. I believe in having a garden and pets and things that turn a house into a home. There is such a growing sustainability movement, a handmade movement, people are suddenly interested in things like this again. People act like it's such a fantastic way to simplify our lives, to "green" them, like it's a new idea. It's not. Most of these things have been the work of women throughout the history of time. It is honorable, meaningful, and incredibly important work.

So that's what brings me to my next concern and belief. I think the home-making work of women, throughout history, has been incredibly undervalued. "Staying at home" has become this quaint thing that we imagine women with roller-curled hair and wide skirts doing while sitting and drinking coffee with the neighbors. Looking into my family history in this area, I discovered three generations of women that all had at least 6 kids, in Maine, on farms, with no help. Frankly, I don't know how they did it. I don't know how they kept themselves alive, let alone cooking, mending and caring for their husbands and children during a time with no plumbing, no electricity, and no modern conveniences. My entire life I've at least partly wished that I was born before modern conveniences. For with their convenience, I think we've lost a peace and connection with each other and nature. But after my son was born, I was humbled. For the first time I was incredibly grateful for my microwave, my washing machine and dryer (using cloth diapers, had I been born in the 1800s, I'm convinced my son would have just had to go naked sometimes), and internet television to keep me entertained at all hours of the night. After my son was born, I was humbled and could not stop thinking of all the women that have come before me as mothers, wives, friends, sisters and daughters.

To live "sustainably", making things yourself, building a more home-made life for yourself, takes time. I'm not saying that women should be the ones to do this. To be honest, I just sometimes think that they're better at it. But in each family, it is up to them to define what makes them the most individually content, and the most happy and secure as a family. However your family is made up, and whoever is in your household, you get to define what makes you the most fulfilled. The dad could stay at home, the mom could stay at home, or they could trade off, both working some, just not as much. And I'm also not saying that every family should have a person stay home. Everybody has to decide for themselves what is best. But what I am saying is threefold. First, I believe in the honor and integrity of home-making, a word which to me has several connotations and which I'll probably talk about later on the blog. Second, I believe that we must honor and reclaim the centuries of heritage that the women throughout history have given us. Much of this is hiding in diaries, cookbooks, or little histories. Much of this is lost to the overriding patriarchal culture which has been the one to write the histories. And third, there is one thing that I don't really buy into. Many couples think that they both have to work, because they need the money. If they work because it makes them happier, more contented individuals, then I say fine. You have to be healthy to be a good parent. But, if it's just for money, then I'd say most of the time there are ways around it. Stop buying stuff, for one. Live in a less expensive area, make your own laundry soap, cook your own meals in a cost effective way. You'd be surprised how much money you can save by doing things for yourself, instead of paying more money to have them done for you.

I LOVE vintage and antique housekeeping books, I love sewing, mending, making things, raising my son, gardening, cooking, vacuuming and doing laundry. I hate doing dishes, cleaning and I will not iron, ever. I don't care how wrinkled I look, so if you do and you live in my house, you'll just have to iron your own clothes. I also love reading, writing, teaching, and yearn for a bit of a work community when the time is right and I'm able to find it. I am not one of those women who will be content to be a home-maker only. I need to have some selfish pursuits to feel fulfilled, and feeling fulfilled makes me a better friend, a better wife, and a better mother. Right now, many of my own pursuits are squirreled away to the hours of darkness, when all else is at rest, the moments of quiet while my son is contentedly eating, or the "errands" I run alone on the weekend, which are usually mysteriously at least an hour longer than I intended. (shhhh... :)) Home-making to me is important. Raising my son is important, and providing a home for him that is full of the meaningful fruits of my labors of love for him and our family is important to me. So that is my priority. As a mother, it's finding a balance between these and my own pursuits which is the tricky part every day. I don't know how my grandmother, my great grandmother, my great great grandmother, and her mother before her did it, and I really wish I could have them over for tea and ask them. I'm sure they'd be able to teach me how to finally make good scones, and would probably be too polite to comment on how hard the ones I served them were.

We need to listen to each other

2011-01-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

I was going to write about something fun today. A book about chickens which I really love, as I plan my little coop I hope to build this summer. I dream about the the hours of laughing and watching the chickens with my beautiful little boy.

But today, it just isn't in me to write about it.

We need to listen to each other.

We need to honor each human.

We need to realize that we are all human, all people, all individuals with our differences and similarities, all doing the best we can.

No matter what your politics, no matter what your beliefs, what happened today is a tragedy. It's a sign that we're broken. It's a sign that our forefathers, our parents, our grandparents, the greatest generation and those that came before, have left us something precious that we have failed entirely to preserve. Yesterday a political figure, a political party, was attacked with violence and hatred. And everyone is shocked. It is a tragedy. A nine year old girl died along with several others, while even more are injured. A nine year old girl who probably didn't know the difference between political parties. A nine year old girl. And everyone is shocked. But the truth... the truth is that we attack each other every day. Left toward right, right toward left. We all attack with the strength of our beliefs, for the righteousness of our souls, for the future of our country. We all attack. But we forget, sometimes, that there are humans on the other side. I believe everyone in this world does the best they can. It's just the nature of the human condition. Most people have a reason for their beliefs. So even if they disagree with you, they're worth listening to. Maybe if we would all just get over ourselves for a little while and TALK TO EACH OTHER, we would realize that it's the nine year old girls that are important, and not our own pride or politics.

It makes me mad, really mad, when I see political figures playing with violence, riling people up with aggressive rhetoric that is more about beating the other side than it is about fighting for what they believe in. It makes me really mad, because it's absolutely heartbreaking.

Democracy is an objective. Democratization is a process. Democratization serves the cause of peace because it offers the possibility of justice and of progressive change without force.
Boutros Boutros-Ghali

Peace is the only battle worth waging.
Camus

If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.
Moshe Dayan

Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war.
Maria Montessori

My heart goes out to all those who were hurt, the victims, the mothers, the fathers, the husbands and wives. The children. May they find whatever comfort possible. And may somehow, some day, miraculously, we all find our way out of this mess we've made.

A movie I like

2011-01-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

I love this movie. Watched some parts of it again this past week. The soundtrack seems to be the song of my winter.

the BOLD and TRUE series

2011-01-07T04:53:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder before the weekend... If you'd like to be a part of the Bold and True series on Mondays, and you'd like a link to your blog or site in the sidebar, don't forget to comment here or e-mail me with your blog link. Thanks so much! I'll be back this weekend, but just with some fun simple little posts. Then on Monday the series really gets off! Hmmm... what should I write about? :)

One Moment - but a little different

2011-01-07T01:30:00.000-08:00

This week my moment was amazing, but I didn't have a camera... so here it is in words.

The day before I'd been planning and thinking. Trying to listen. How does this all fit together. Where are my family and I going. Toward what are we headed. What do I have to do to prepare, to plan, to ensure our happiness and survival. What do I have to do, how do I do it, and even can I do it.... It was one of those thoughtful, deep, pensive days where everything feels in the midst, with lots of changes coming, and you're trying to listen to the universe, figure it out, and see your way out of it. Then that night I didn't sleep, at all. I would have slept, but the boy was teething or something and so only an hour or two did I really sleep. What happens to me when I'm deep in thought, trying to gain perspective, really working hard at the thinking and the listening, trying to get in touch with both my instinct and the universe or fate, or whatever it is that you believe in... I'm left a little bit physically drained. Then - without sleep - I woke up yesterday morning feeling completely unprepared to get through the day. It was one of those days where the deep dark ugly depths were close by, trying to claim me. What I wanted to do was go back to bed, maybe watch a movie - and hide away for a while. What's absolutely fantastic about kids - they don't really let you do that. Which is usually for the best. So instead - we were lucky enough to have a car that day - we wandered. We went to a thrift store, we grabbed a cup of coffee (or I did at least) and then we went to park on the public landing - where you can park right in front of the water. The boy LOVES watching the birds, so every once in a while we take him there, where all the gulls and pigeons wait on the rooftops and powerlines for any stray french fry, lobster roll, or fish that might be tossed about.

I sat in the warm car in the bright winter sun. My son sat in my lap eating his cracker, drinking his water. I sat sipping coffee, feeling the warmth. He watched the birds, who saw the food and flocked to the car. He tried to see them when they landed on the roof. We sat there probably 45 minutes, snacking, watching, listening, laughing. Just us and the birds, the water and the wind.

Every once in a while as my son turns into a boy I get to "hang out" with him. Where it's no longer me taking care of a baby, it's me just being with this fabulous little person. With no words, utter peace, and the cozyness of a warm car, bright sun, crackers and coffee, and a little bit of snuggling, we just enjoyed the moment together. I think it is these totally private, totally peaceful, totally wordless moments that I will remember when he's a man. My mood, my day, completely shifted. And with the help of the sun and coffee, I didn't really even feel that tired the rest of the day.

Just a little holiday roundup

2011-01-06T02:59:00.000-08:00

(he "decorated" the tree with his 70s fisher farm people... and their fences)

BOLD and TRUE: I'm in school...

2011-01-05T02:03:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the New Moon. The time of renewal, of quiet beginnings, of little light and smooth darkness. Today to get the BOLD and TRUE series going, I'm going to write something true, something bold, something that I believe in and am proud of about myself, that I have been too nervous to "go public" with, or voice loudly and with confidence to my bloggy world. Check out Monday's post to find out more about the series. From now on they will be posted on Mondays, but this mama loves the moon, so to get us started I wanted to post something today.

I think our bold and true moments can be small, and I have many, but today I'm going to talk about one of my bigger ones. One of my "coming out" kinds of things.

I'm currently getting a Ph.D. in Holistic Theology. Why would I be nervous about saying this? Well, I think the easiest way to explain it is to make a list. Ya'll know I like lists...

1) Because it's in theology - and people have very weighted opinions on what that means.
2) Because it's a Ph.D. Because I don't believe that means anything in particular. Just because I've been lucky enough to go to school - lots of school - doesn't make me any different from someone who hasn't wanted to or hasn't been able to. It doesn't. I HATE academic elitism, and the attitudes that can come with it. I've never been comfortable in it.
3) It's from a non-traditional distance school. I've been worried people would say "that's not a real school"
4) It actually means a great deal to me, feels like it's part of my life's purpose, and... that makes me shy of expressing it.

I'm getting my Ph.D in Holistic Theology because I want to teach and write. I may even pursue ordination down the line, if I feel called to do that. I can explain more about exactly what I'm doing later on in the blog, now that I've "come out" with the truth of it. It's a non-traditional distance school which I LOVE. I believe that within a lot of traditional schools there's a great deal of institutional hierarchy which actually takes people away from what they truly want to be learning. I think learning should be self-guided, self-paced, and exist within a realm of freedom and responsibility. In other words, I love that I don't have to go to classes and take proctered tests. Because this is MY education, I have high standards for myself, and to a certain extent, I will get out of it what I put into it. I want to know this information. I want to get it, I want to become it. Because I want to do things with it. I don't just want a grade, I want a life. I think that organizations, companies and institutions that are set up to provide real people with alternate forms of education are greatly needed in our society which is pretty set in its educational ways.

Why am I doing this and where did it come from?

When I was pregnant, during the election and just after, I was once driving home from shopping, driving peacefully and blissfully on a quiet street, saw a political sign, and nearly started sobbing. OK.. what does this have to do with anything, you might ask?... I think our theological and spiritual perspectives color everything else that we do, politics included. And what I discovered when I was pregnant, was that I think that's unavoidable, and I believe how it should be. But the reality of the world is that right now our religious or theological opinions divide us. They separate us and create conflict, instead of allowing us a meaningful bond as humans. I think there is a heartache in a lot of people because of the way their theological perspective, or the lack thereof, has become something that is so often a bone of contention out there in the greater world.

I've said before that one of my beliefs, and one of the things I became growingly concerned with as my son's arrival became imminent, was what I saw as a spiritual and moral bankruptcy in the culture around him. I believe that while learning his ABCs and Numbers, he should also learn the miracle that is the earth, the power and beauty of the sun, as well as our family's understanding of God and the greater things our there in the universe. I think that with that understanding comes meaning in the days and years, the family around him, the people in need. I think with it comes a feeling of being blessed, and full, and grateful. I believe that with this comes a greater sense of fulfillment and joy. And THAT is what I wish for my son. I do not wish for him a big house and a new car. I don't wish for him a certain number of kids or a certain kind of job. I wish for him fulfillment and joy. I wish that when he's a boy he'll see another boy who is sad, and try to comfort him. I wish that when he's a teenager and the world becomes confusing, that he'll watch a gull above the water, or a sunset, or listen to a hymn or psalm or poem, and find beauty and peace and stillness inside of it to give him meaning and comfort.

Another reason I began this new journey? With great candor, I think one of the things kids can do is get rid of your B.S. Your time becomes limited, your senses heightened, and somehow I think you can know yourself more. With my limited time after my son was born I realized that some things had to fall away, which for me meant that who I was, what I wanted to become and what I wanted to do became much more focused. I didn't have the patience or time to dilly dally any more, and in the process of removing a lot of unnecessary layers, found behind the disguise a truer self with less guile.

So, you know what? I believe in what I'm doing, and I'm proud of it. It's not been easy. I'm over half way done in a little over one year. I wake up at 4 in the morning to have time by myself in the darkness to study. I fall asleep in my chair while drinking coffee trying to get my mind alert enough to focus. There is always a book and tests or papers on the kitchen table. I take little moments all the time throughout every day to get done what I can, write a paragraph, answer a question, read a page... I don't have much time to find friends, see friends or relax. But for right now... this is my relaxation, knowing that I'm fulfilling part of my purpose, working hard, and doing something that is good for me, good for my son, and hopefully some day, good for many other people.

If you want to write something Bold and True, feel free to leave a linky in the comments for others to find, and for me to visit. If you'd rather wait until Monday when we really get up and running - that's fantastic too!

On Being Bold and True

2011-01-03T03:03:00.000-08:00

There's something that happens online, that I think you see often in blogs. People tell you a lot. You find out information, little things, little eccentricities about people that are really fun to read about, and sometimes recognize in yourself. This can help you connect to someone, find humor or pleasure in their life, maybe even find inspiration or camaraderie. But I think, perhaps, that even though people feel free to share the details, the observations, and it can feel like you know so much about a person, some of the things most dear to people are often left silent. This is, after all, cyberspace. Who knows who might end up reading it, who might end up judging it. We usually seek out speech, seek out an audience, because we want to find people who agree with us. But I don't think you have to agree with someone to be supportive.

There is a vibrant online community filled with mothers and fathers, seekers and teachers, who share parts of themselves as a way to account their lives. Maybe even as a way to be held accountable for their lives. What I think, however, is that many are sometimes shy. What I propose, is that we be BOLD and TRUE. I don't propose that we tell all our secrets. If you know me personally you know that I'm actually a very private person, and I believe some things are most sacred if left unsaid. However, I believe that for many people there are some things that they don't want to leave unsaid, but they're afraid of being judged, or turning people away.

What I propose is that every Monday we post something we feel passionately about, something we're proud of accomplishing. We speak those things that, if we stand tall and proud within them, make us who we are. I'm hoping to get a little community of people all speaking their truth, supporting each other in their desire to live powerfully and with integrity. We will speak things that others disagree with. Nor is this the space for debate or lively disagreements. It's a space to listen. Conversations, disagreements and debate, I believe, are wonderful. It's what helps us to learn. But I believe that sometimes we need to just listen, and honor people for what they are. So I'm hoping to have a lot of people link up so that I can honor whoever YOU are.

I will make a little button thing, and provide a toolbar on the right and include everyone who wants to join in.

SO - I'm going to post something this Wednesday (Because it's a new moon and a good time to begin things) After that, for at least a month (we'll see how it goes) every Monday I'm going to post something BOLD and TRUE. Something I believe in, or something I'm proud of that's a part of my life.

E-mail me if you'd like to join, and I'll add you to a toolbar. And if nobody joins in, at least you know what I'm up to in my posts on Mondays.

emerging

2010-12-30T03:51:00.000-08:00

I'm emerging out of a post-Christmas flu bug. There's something completely beautiful about feeling better, after you've been feeling ill. Things are bright, beautiful, and somehow so much easier. Sickness, or illness, or other things that force you to STOP, slow down, possibly even lie down (shock) are sometimes really good for you. When you come out of them sometimes your heart beats a little slower, you carry more stillness in your soul, and things are somehow even more beautiful and clear.

As long as I keep progressing I'll be back regularly the rest of this week with some fun plans I hope to share with some other bloggers for the upcoming New Years.

I hope your holidays continue to be filled with peace, love, and the holiness of the season.

100 things that make me happy

2010-12-24T05:00:00.000-08:00

For some reason, the Holidays make me think of lists... And they also make me think of gratitude. So - although it might seem monotonous - because I think it's a good practice to get into - Here's a list of 100 things that I can think of that make me happy. In no particular order... this is a stream of consciousness kind of thing...

What makes you happy?

1 - The boy, almost 1 1/2 years old
2 - yarn
3 - late sunrises - and those precious hours of night before the dawn arises
4 - slippers
5 - a fantastic partner, who is now my husband
6 - the color blue
7 - water
8 - living so close to the ocean
9 - invigorating chilly dry air
10 - the warmth of the sun
11 - post-its
12 - crocs. Because even though they're out of style they make the most comfortable house shoes ever
13 - the scent of lemon verbena
14 - and rosemary
15 - and lavendar
16 - tea
17 - with milk and sugar
18 - tea cups, sweet old ones with thin handles
19 - my great aunt's cross stitch that hangs on my wall
20 - the warmth under all the blankets at 4 in the morning when the air around you is freezing, yet can't penetrate your cocoon
21 - ragedy anne doll's
22 - trees
23 - chipotle peppers
24 - sunflowers
25 - Jane Austen
26 - Mr. Darcy - of course
27 - pencils - the old school kind
28 - moss
29 - fog
30 - all animals everywhere
31 - particularly dogs
32 - and alpacas, because to me they sound like smurfs
33 - and smurfs, by the way
34 - stationary
35 - old knitting patterns
26 - my grandmother's Christmas simpich dolls
27 - apple cider
28 - pumpkin spice
29 - the way the boy's hand grabs my finger, and wraps perfectly around it
30 - the warmth of the woodstove
31 - the antique farmhouse sink that sits in our barn, waiting for us to find the house it belongs in
32 - the Aga that lives in the kitchen of my imaginary house
33 - any hilly meadow anywhere
34 - the moon, however it shows itself
35 - snow
36 - and rain
37 - and wind
38 - arugula
39 - salsa
40 - avocados
41 - mushrooms
42 - chocolate
43 - chocolate... it deserves to be listed twice
44 - mangos
45 - weeping willow trees
46 - pictures, photos
47 - music
48 - peppermint bark... did I say that yet?
49 - Jimmy Stewart
50 - Rhett Butler, I mean Clark Gable...
51 - scarves
52 - snow on the ground and the sun shining
53 - vintage wool skirts
54 - planners
55 - corningware
56 - the farm that lives in my head... some day to be found
57 - the generosity of other people
58 - children - all kinds, everywhere
59 - love
60 - freedom
61 - honesty
62 - integrity
63 - candles
64 - grits
65 - roasted green chilies. Oh I miss Santa Fe...
66 - The Rocky Mountains
67 - The Atlantic ocean, and the light of the moon in whatever way if falls on it
68 - That I get to live near the Atlantic
69 - Rainbow Bright
70 - information. Oh dear I'm a nerd.
71 - Passionate people
72 - The itsy bitsy spider, and how it makes my son stop crying
73 - Rag rugs
74 - really soft towels
75 - A really great day at the thrift store
76 - Picnics
77 - Egg salad sandwiches
78 - Clotted Cream. Oh lord... I'm fantasizing just thinking about it.
79 - Terry Tempest Williams
80 - Louisa May Alcott
81 - Anne of Green Gables, because she made me love a)my name, and b) my red hair
82 - Calico
83 - Quilts
84 - A really good walk
85 - A cold clear winter night
86 - The movie It Happened One Night - which I just watched for the first time.
87 - All people fighting for equality, freedom, and the care for humans and animals everywhere.
88 - Stories that tell the truth - especially truth that needs to be told
89 - fun dip
90 - Antique/Old sewing machines
91 - May Day
92 - The extra 2 minutes of daylight that we get each day now
93 - Spaghetti
94 - Old stone churches
95 - Beginning a new project
96 - The peace in my son's soul when he reaches for me while he sleeps - smiles a little, and is pure joy and comfort in his trust that he has in me.
97 - clovers
98 - silence
99 - The bounty of friends
100 - The beauty of the earth

Solstice

2010-12-21T02:59:00.000-08:00

At
this winter's
turning
of the year
let us go gently
-- for once --
into the night,
its dream-drenched,
glittering stillness
a haven for our souls

There
is something
beyond the dull
brightness of mid-day,
fluorescent and buzzing.
Something to praise
beyond the sun,
triumphing over the intricacies
of shadowed moonlight.

Bring
in the old,
beautiful realm
of Holy Night,
echoing with ancient voices,
rustling with intimacy's passion,
luminous with stars.

Cradled in darkness,
Be restored to the embrace of mystery.

Glory wakes here.

Let it kindle
your joy.

by Rebecca Parker
downloaded here

A moment from the week

2010-12-17T05:23:00.000-08:00

The fun of dress up has been discovered...

inspired by Soulemama... you can take a look at all the others by visiting over there...

Winter

2010-12-16T02:53:00.001-08:00

Solstice is coming, Winter is upon us, the blur and the stir of the Holidays are here. But even stronger, even more powerful is the lull of the Winter hush. It seems to be breaking its way through the Holiday motion this year. Maybe because I made a point to get ready for the Holidays early. Maybe because I've been pondering some of those big life questions that can put you in a pensive, quiet mood. For whatever reason, that hibernating, resting, internal time that feels a bit like moving back into your cocoon before you emerge as something slightly different, has been breaking through early this year.

Solstice is on Tuesday, which is also a full moon, and most likely a Lunar Eclipse. I believe that moments like this, when the gorgeous earth and universe around you give you such pieces of magic, are opportunities. Chances to refocus. Chances to feel the mystical, the spiritual, the meaningful that surrounds you every day. I believe if you listen to the hush, let yourself be quiet, pensive, if you feel so inclined, the moon or the stars or your God, or whatever you believe in, can remind you of who you are, where you're going, and that you're lovely. It's an opportunity less of transformation, and more of reformation. Remembering. Remembering both the laughter and the silence, the joy and sorrow. Remembering who you are. I believe the answers we seek, are often in this silence.

So in celebration of winter, I couldn't help but share just a few of my favorite quotes about it.

In the depth of winter, I finally learned
that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Albert Camus

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant:
If we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.
Anne Bradstreet

There's a certain Slant of light, Winter Afternoons -- That oppresses, like the Heft of Cathedrals Tunes--
Emily Dickenson

One kind word can warm three winter months
Japanese Proverb.

Priorities - school costs, and our relationship with money.

2010-12-14T02:30:00.000-08:00

The average amount we spend in the US to educate each pupil in a US public school is about $9000 to $10,000.

The average amount we spend in the US to incarcerate each prisoner in a jail is about
$18,000 to $25,000.

I recently watched The Lottery, a documentary about the lottery for enrollment in a Charter School in Harlem that has astoundingly better educational success than the surrounding public schools.

Within this film they talk about the success of this charter school, and yet the resistance to it by many teachers and parents. There is such resistance to embracing the idea that it's not just more money that they need, it's a different way of educating.

I guess I think of this now, partly, because of the holidays. Both the adults who I live with work in retail. So both are flooded right now, and busier than ever, with the bad parts of the Holiday Season. People are more stressed, people (to be honest) are meaner. I think it's about the money. I think it stresses people out when they spend money they don't have, and yet people think they have to spend money during the Holidays. I don't think money has to be this evil shark that romances you with its power, and yet completely terrifies you. It's basically just a physical symbol of the age old way of exchanging favors for services rendered, or trading.

It's also not a bottomless pit. It's not an endless resource. It's also, I think, something that we sometimes use mindlessly. And if you've ever read along here before, you know that I believe in living intentionally, and doing nothing mindlessly. I think doing things mindlessly makes you lose your mind, and your self, and your way, and your integrity. It makes it feel like nothing is important.

So instead of just buying anything to fill in the slot for "aunt Gertrude - present... check". Maybe just invite Aunt Gertrude over for a special lunch and listen to what stories she might have to say, the ones that nobody has ever bothered to listen to before.

Instead of just putting more money into the schools, or the prisons, why don't we listen to the stories of the students (and prisoners) to find out what they actually need, to find out what is working, to find out what's failing. We're so afraid sometimes to discover that we've been doing something wrong, that our past energy has been wasted, but that's what life is about. Learning from past misdeeds is how we learn how to walk and speak and be good at anything.

So, personally, yes... I would prefer that we spend at least at least much educating the people of tomorrow as we do imprisoning the ones of today. It seem to me that focusing more on education might actually diminish the number of prisoners we might have later. But I also don't really think it's about the money.

So I guess my wish for all people out there is that it's not about the money for you either. Let the Holidays be about something deeper. Let education be about something more. Let our focus, and our conversations, and our intent be about bigger things. Let's refocus how we spend our money, how we view our money, and realize the facade that it really is. And, on behalf of my family, please don't allow the stress of it all, or the overwhelm you might feel, to take itself out on those that might work in the stores that you shop. They are actually people, too. It's not their fault that you're stressed about spending your money. You know, you can actually stop if you need to... it's okay.

Breath

2010-12-08T02:48:00.000-08:00

Holiday and end of the year deadlines are approaching. I'll probably have a bit less time the next few weeks to visit this space... so my visits will be shorter...

remembering to breathe through it...

Winter is upon us

2010-12-07T02:25:00.000-08:00

I wake up at about 4 every morning. I sneak downstairs, stir the coals in the woodstove back to life, watching the flames ignite as they begin to warm the cold house. I breathe in the darkness, the chill, the solitute, the quiet. This time is my respite. It's my time to do what really needs to be done. Some mornings, I run around and finish all the things around the house I didn't have time for the day before. Some mornings I study, some mornings I write. Some mornings, I sit in my chair, knitting, watching a great documentary. I used to only allow myself the time for work, either studying or working on things I deem my "occupation". But as I've caught up a bit after the insane crazyness of summer, I've made time for other things that are just as necessary like breathing, and sinking deep into the quiet.

Yesterday morning I didn't get much accomplished. For when I arrived downstairs, the first thing that greeted me was the multi-colored glow of the Christmas tree lights, that warmed the house as much as the fire that quickly caught. The warmth and cozyness of the morning was exactly why I love winter. Then I looked outside, and found our very first snowfall. The peaceful, austere, painfully beautiful world that is a clear, cold night with snow on the ground, and the complete silence it brings is soothing to me. But the combination of that cold, clear night outside, and the warmth of the fire, and the blanket, and the rug, and all the things that make a home a good place to read on the couch at 4 in the morning, was so joyous to me.

Pardon the lack of light in the pictures. It was 4 in the morning after all. And yes we have two trees. We can never decide whether we want multi-color lights or white, so we have one of each...

May you find the peace, and the quiet, and the beauty of the winter, along with the fun and the joy.

No to GMO

2010-12-04T03:18:00.001-08:00

Last week a judge ruled that a crop of GMO SugarBeets be destroyed.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/03/judge-jeffrey-white-order_n_791506.html

"In his order Tuesday, White wrote that the environmental groups had shown that the genetically modified sugar beets could contaminate other crops, including through cross-pollination.

"The likely environmental harm . . . is irreparable," White wrote."

Moments

2010-12-03T02:06:00.000-08:00

Again inspired by Soulemama, because I love this ritual way of ending the week. One moment from the week.

Childhood is magic. And the magic is contagious. And for that I'm incredibly grateful.

"Junking Junk Food" by Judith Warner

2010-12-02T02:24:00.001-08:00

I read an article in the New York Times Magazine this past week that I just couldn't help but share. I don't know that I've talked very much about food and nutrition on this blog, even though it's so important to me. It's important to me because for one, I really love food. But also, I have a son and I want him to be happy and healthy, and I think one foundation of that is what, and in what manner, he eats. I also care about the world he lives in, which I think is profoundly effected by what, and in what manner, we all eat. So perhaps I'll speak more about this issue soon, but for now I'll just share a quote that I loved from the article.

Why did I like the article so much? Because one thing I can't stand lately, is that the health and well-being of our children, and the effects of the way their food is produced, has become a political thing. It's become an ostracized piece of agenda, a separate issue, something to be dealt with in a Bill. I see it as a part of a whole circle of life, and earth, and family and culture. I don't see it as something that is the thing to fix, I see it as a symptom of other things that need to be fixed.

The entire article, by Judith Warner, can be found here.

In it she talks about the fight to decrease access to fat and sugar in public schools, and the political intricacy of it. She says:

"For in waging war on fat and sugar, what the administration is doing is taking on central aspects of the American lifestyle. Eating too much, indiscriminately, anywhere, at any time, in response to any and all stimuli, is as central to our freewheeling, mavericky way of being as car cupholders and drive-throughs. You can't change specific eating behavior without addressing that way of life -- without changing our culture of food. You need to present healthful eating as a new, desireable, freely chosen expression of the American Way."

Clearing out and finding treasures

2010-12-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

I've been clearing things out lately. I don't know whether it's being a mom, trying to do a lot of other things and the natural chaos that all this brings, or just some "winter is coming" cleaning... but I've been clearing out. I've been organizing and cleaning. And I've been realizing that it's a lot easier to stay organized and clean if you don't have extra things that you don't want or need. In trying to live a simple, frugal and focused life, I think this is a fragment that finds itself coming up again and again in my life. Not using too many resources, not buying too much stuff, not having too many distractions to what I believe are the good things, namely nature, time, family and ideas. Not having too much... For all these reasons and plus just the random urge to do so, I've cleaned part of the barn, I've gone through a bunch of our stuff, I've started ebaying, donating or gifting things that aren't really a part of our life, or that add less than they take from us.

But there's a side effect of this cleansing process. I feel like I'm left with more of myself, and less of someone else. Does that make sense? It's like when I was talking about parenting the other day. Sometimes the stuff in our lives gets accumulated from times where we were exploring things. I LOVE memories. I love exploring things, having adventures, and making memories for myself and my family. But what I've found, is that most of the time memories are just that, memories. They don't have to live in a room of your house, or a closet down the hall. They live within you, molding who you've become. They live within pictures and moments. So just because an item is from a memory doesn't mean that if you toss it out the memory is gone. Rather, it means that the memory lives on in the things that are a part of your life NOW.

And even more, there's another side effect. You find some things that you truly treasure. There are some extraneous things that I will NEVER give away. I don't care how much I downsize, or how limited space is. Finding these things, and clearing out some of the other clutter, somehow makes my life seem more full, instead of less. More bountiful instead of empty. So... off to ebay go some commemorative things, some 80s things I found (shock... watches and do-dads from high school... good golly) and a whole lot of stuff from a shop that my family used to own. Off to goodwill go some extra clothes, toys, but I have to say no books. We are a book family and some day we might have to have a room just for books... they're one of our treasures. So we will keep our treasures. Our really old tattered quilt that now hangs as a door cover. Our paintings that my great grandfather painted the week he arrived in this country from Sweden. The paperweight that my father made me with our favorite little piece of nature inside, and yes... books. Lots of books.

Wisdom of Others, and On Impermanence

2010-11-30T02:52:00.000-08:00

The holidays, or any yearly ritual, put emphasis on time and how it moves by us, and how we move with it. Looking through the latest pictures that I downloaded of my son, I'm surprised to see a little boy staring back at me. He is no longer the precious baby who can fit in my arms easily as I rock him to sleep. Instead he is turning into the gorgeous little person that he will someday become. He is every bit as precious, every bit as loved, and now that he's learned how to kiss and hug, even more loving back. But he is growing up. Things change. Everything changes. And when you look back on any time, any event, any period in your life, it usually feels short, even if at the time it felt like forever. So whatever difficulty you might be going through, know that it will end and things will change. Whatever joy you might be experiencing, know that it will end as well, and savor it with all your might.

Oh this is the joy of the rose:
That is blows,
And goes.
Willa Cather

That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything -- every tree, every blade of grass, the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate -- is always changing, moment to moment.
Pema Chodron

On folding diapers

2010-11-29T02:05:00.000-08:00

The other day my mother said something that made me enormously happy, content, and gave me a sense of connection, contentedness, pride and peace. Last week I posted about not defining myself as a parent, but the truth is if I had to the closest I think I'd be able to come up with is "old fashioned". Not strict, sit and and don't talk, kind of old fashioned, but I mean simple living, "go-outside" instead of "let's schedule a playdate", free, from scratch cooking, independent and whole living kind of parenting. Probably because I greatly respect doing things an "old-fashioned" way, and think that in modernizing we've lost connections to things that I find vital.

For some of these reasons, as well as practical reasons, and just because it makes sense to me, we use cloth diapers. The other day I was folding them, something that marks the beginning of so many days I know I'll look back on this time of my life and remember it, and said, "I wonder how many diapers I've folded"... My mom looked up at me and said, "I remember my mother standing by the kitchen table like that and saying the exact same thing". Well, in my view that means I'm doing something right, and living my life in a way more connected to some of these things that for generations and generations were a part of motherhood. The texture, the rhythm, the life, the feel of things like folding diapers is a real and warm experience. And by doing this, as well as many other things I do that are "old fashioned", I'm hoping to create a non-plastic life for my son. Because life isn't disposable, everything comes from somewhere, and I want that kind of understanding to be a part of his home.

Black Friday

2010-11-26T02:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes on this blog I want to talk about things that I worry about speaking out loud, because I worry about offending. Not so much because I worry about speaking my truth, but because I also believe in being a gracious host. I believe in truth, honesty and speaking it out. But I also believe in listening, honoring and being polite. So I guess I'll compromise and speak my truth here, but know that if you completely disagree or are ever offended by anything I say, I also deeply respect your opinion, and welcome it if you feel the need to write it to me. Only by honestly and respectfully conversing will we ever make progress, creating a better world for those that will follow us, whether our own children or the world's.

So... with that said...

I think my country is spiritually and morally bankrupt. And I think this is a much bigger problem than the economic "disaster" which is always at the brink lately. Not because the economic problem is a small problem, but because I think the former is the cause of the later. How do we celebrate the day after the holiday marked upon the calendar who's sole purpose is to express our thankfulness, our gratitude, for the people, places and things in our lives.... How do we truly celebrate this? By going to stores at 5 in the morning to buy stuff that we usually don't need because it's on sale. Black Friday is the largest shopping day of the year. And it comes about 6 hours after the day that is about gratitude for what we have. Seriously... Seriously? Doesn't anyone else see the contradiction in this?

I think it is easy to feel like you need to buy more things when you feel a lack in your life. I think it is easier to feel a lack in your life when you've filled it with things instead of ideas, people, and meaning. We do not need bigger tvs, nicer cell phones, or new computers most of the time. We do not need the latest technology, the newest car, the bigger house. I understand the economic argument that spending money drives our economy. I understand. But I find the idea of, "we're too much in debt and nobody has any money so be a patriot and go buy things because that will solve our problem" to be a fallacy. It is just a fact that if you can be grateful for what you have, you will be a happier person. It is also a fact that most of us have so many times more than most of the people around the world. And I would be bold enough to say that I bet a lot of the people around the world who have far less than what we have, are happier. Just because something is there, doesn't mean we should have it, we deserve it, or we need it.

My goal this year has been to buy as little as possible the month of December. For the holidays, almost everything we're giving as a family will be handmade, a few things have come from thrift stores. Because the holidays are not about buying things, they are about experiencing things, celebrating together, and loving each other. I do plan on buying myself some socks and underwear. I know, ridiculous, but it's kind of a family tradition. I'm a mom, so I'm not good at getting what I need, so this actually excites me. I bought my son a present that I found for $3.99. I will buy my husband a $10 stocking stuffer that he needs because his is broken and he uses it every day. We will most likely pick up some small things that are needed around the house, or stumble across a thing or two for the house, or whole family, but that is it. And while part of the reason is because we do want to save money for things like home improvements, the bigger reason is because I hope that my son sees the holidays as time to celebrate things like the Winter Solstice and the miraculous changing of seasons and all the beauty it brings, our life as a family and how we're lucky to have each other and love each other so much, the fun of a fire on a cold night with Christmas tree lights sparkling in the corner creating a little piece of magic, the fun of working into the night making a present with your own two hands that emerged from your own imaginings that you'll give to someone you love... and that he won't learn to celebrate just the sugar and the candy, and the shiny cardboard box that holds another expensive plastic toy. I wish for him a spiritually and morally rich life, not a materially rich one.

And while I do understand the fun of going out and getting a sale, or a new toy (whether an adult one or kid one), and I do believe in joy, and occasionally treating yourself, and a part of me wants to go to Joann fabrics (because for some it's big screen tvs that bring them joy, for me it's craft supplies), I want more to find some peace at home today with my son. The rest of our family has to work today, but he and I will eat some food, build a really big fire, maybe go for a walk outside and begin to organize our Holiday decorations while playing some of my favorite holiday music just a little too loud.

However you choose to spend Black Friday, and the rest of your holidays, I wish you joy. But I wish you the deep joy that feels more like contentment and peace, however you achieve it.

Blessings, and have a lovely weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T06:42:00.000-08:00

"If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness.
It will change your life mightily."
Gerald Good

"Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul."
Henry Ward Beecher

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not,
but rejoices for those which he has."
Epictetus

Dr. Brene Brown on Vulnerability

2010-11-25T03:04:00.000-08:00

The Middle Way

2010-11-24T02:27:00.000-08:00

Becoming a parent, or more accurately becoming the kind of parent that you're going to be, feels a bit like building a boat in a glass bottle to me. Maybe that sounds weird, but parenting is like anything else in life. You find your way through it with a lot of influence by what you see and hear from the people and places around you, struggling through it to do your best. But somehow because of the intensity of your love, the enormity of the experiences condensed into such a small time frame, and your consuming desire to do it well, it feels like everything is done with a detailed intensity, and when it's complete it's packaged up inside a glass bottle for all the world to see. Like it's somehow disconnected from everything else as well, your role as parent one facet of your life that is isolated from the rest. But I don't think that's the way it truly is, or the way it should be.

You hear a lot of advice as soon as your expecting a baby. You hear even more once your child arrives, especially after you start having some kind of problem or issue to work through. Whether the baby's not a good sleeper, whether he or she has trouble eating, whether they're not alert enough, whether they're too alert... I do believe it takes a village to raise a child, and I don't think most of this advice is bad or ill-intentioned. But, as a parent, you hear a lot of it. Then there comes a point, I believe, where you start defining yourself as a parent. What "kind" am I? I couldn't help but wonder this once my son started to turn into a little person, moving past the newborn stage. There are so many philosophies you start hearing about. Am I a montessori parent? Am I strict? Am I a waldorf parent? Am I an unschooler? Am I modern, old fashioned, lenient, creative, scheduled, free-spirited... good golly. I think it is tempting to try to define ourselves so that we fit into a group, whether it's as parents or as people. I tend to want to define myself as one of those "eco-friendly" people partly so that I'll have a community of like-minded people who I can have an understanding with. As a mother it's the same. Part of me would love to fit exactly into the "waldorf" philosophy and parenting method because I would instantly have community and support and understanding. Part of me would love to fit into the "normal"(whatever that means) category because I would again, have community. Plus I wouldn't have to keep overthinking all these philosophies that are out there.

But you know what I think? I don't think defining yourself is true, or accurate, or healthy. Like any phase in life, as a parent I think you have to move your way through, take a little bit of what you find, and try your best to be true to what you think is best. And just because you don't fit into one of the boxes that are already out there doesn't mean you shouldn't still stand up for your convictions. I guess I believe in the middle way. I don't believe in absolutes. I believe in embrasing the diversity that is life, and not trying to mold what's there into categories. And while I do think that some of the philosophies, ideas and advise that you can find out there about raising children is inspiring, and accurate, and true, and great, I also think that kids are little people, and we should never expect them to all be alike, neither should we expect ourselves to be.

So after a year and a half or so, what kind of parent would I describe (not define) myself to be?... Old fashioned, waldorf/montessori/unschooling/strict, loving, supportive, non-sugar eating, extended breast-feeding, out of necessity co-sleeping, non-tv watching, good gosh yes sign language video watching because he loves it, learns from it and I get to sit still for 10 minutes, organic eating except for weekends when we all have mac and cheese and baked beans from a can... yes a can, explorative and experiential, except that we don't have car and don't leave the house four days a week. Natural and non-technology driven, except that for some reason my son has always loved cords. Imagine linus, except instead of a blanket dragging behind him he has some kind of extension cord or headphones... plastic hating, nature loving, spiritual but dogma free, a little too much dancing, joyous but every once in a while grumpy, educational, music loving, book loving, somewhat scheduled, rooted, dedicated, whole-hearted and intentional.

Anyone else not define themselves either?

The ocean

2010-11-23T02:20:00.000-08:00

As happens sometimes around here, the other day in the middle of another busy day, all the sudden, we just had to get out, just had to see the sun with all it's warmth as it tried to drive away the cold beginning of winter. So, like we do sometimes, we took to the ocean.

Thrift store finds...

2010-11-22T02:03:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I'll go into one of my local thrift stores and emerge not just with a few more Winter clothes for my growing boy, not just some new great linens to sew with, not even a really great record. A few times I've gone in and emerged with an actual treasure. I'd been wishing that for this coming winter and Holiday season my son could get a wood dollhouse/playhouse/treehouse. I imagined having extra little dolls for him and his cousins to play with when they're a bit older. I loved the idea of it, but the expense was too outlandish, and I got a note from Santa (who does come to our house) that he had other things in mind. But in my heart, I still wished for a dollhouse. Possibly more for my own imaginings right now than my son's. I had been looking and looking, thinking of building our own, and had finally made peace with the fact that it wasn't to be, at least not this year. Then I went into the thrift store to look for a bigger pair of winter boots, and...

This looks like it might have been home-made, which I love all the more. I've started sanding it down, getting it ready for its new life. I wonder at all the stories that might have happened inside. I wonder about the kids that might have played with it. And to whoever dropped it off there, finished with it for whatever reason... know that it will be loved and well cared for, and that we are grateful.

one moment

2010-11-19T02:36:00.000-08:00

Again inspired by Soulemama, and because I love this tradition, one moment from the week.

It really is true that I didn't know love like this before I became a parent. This picture to me is love. To his mama, he is everything that is right and beautiful in the world, and his expressions of joy are the most gorgeous things I've ever seen on this planet.

Right in front of my eyes...

2010-11-18T02:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I think particularly when we are stressed, overburdened, or busy, problems come up that seem to have no solution. These can be big things. They can be money, illness, love or family related. But they can also be small, and irritating. I've been trying to prep the house for winter. This old leaky house, every year, we try to tighten up. The house if far bigger than we'd like, which can be fun in the summer, but wasteful in the winter. Basically we only heat and live in 4 rooms, and let the extra heat evaporate off into the other parts of the house so they don't freeze - but remain chilly. This summer we demolished an extra room that someone had built right in front of the front door. I know that probably sounds odd - it looked really odd also. This room was leaking and empty and moldy and gross, as well as completely ugly and unnecessary. It ruined the front of the house, you couldn't tell where the front door was, and I think many people who drove up to my house for the first time thought it looked like a small, ugly, weird apartment building. So now the room that was out front lives in piles of insulation, wood and shingles. And now the full force of the cold wind can hit the front door. I've been worried it would be chilly, and we're still working on restoring the old front door - having to replace all the glass panes, add a door (instead of just plywood), and try to install a storm door (or at least plastic) to fight the cold wind.

So on the inside of the door, which we don't plan on using, I wanted to hang a big warm curtain to insulate it. I saw the one above in English Country Style and just loved it. I had about given up as I couldn't afford new fabric, couldn't find a thrifted blanket big enough, and couldn't find the time no matter how hard I tried...
This was problem number one....

I also recently realized that we needed a bench to fit on one side of our kitchen table. The dining area, a little room off the kitchen, open to the kitchen, is a lovely space - one that we're in ALL the time. It has a really big window, my son's books, wood toy kitchen (that we found free at the dump - yay!), toy baskets and his little desk. He can play in there for little bits of time because I can see him from the kitchen.

But - the room is narrow, and the kitchen table actually has to be pushed against a wall to fit. So when people come over and we have to pull it out to seat them all - you can't get to the bathroom because there's not enough room to walk by. A bench takes up way less room. But, where was I going to find a bench, or how was Husband going to find time to make one.

These two little things just kept nagging at me. Things on my list to do: find a curtain, find a bench. Oh, and don't spend any time or money on them. Silly little things, but more to hold in my busy rattled brain.

We were getting ready to clean out the barn this past weekend and I was gathering all the things to put up there. A chair that wouldn't fit in the living room once the Christmas tree was up. A box of clothes the Boy had grown out of. A bench that was in our porch/mudroom that wouldn't fit anymore. A garment rack that wasn't in use. A beautiful huge old quilt that I couldn't find a place for...... wait.... what was that? A bench and a quilt....

Ok, seriously, the obviousness of these solutions didn't occur to me for THREE DAY!!!!!! I've been stressed about bigger things lately, and my perspective was tainted. Have you ever tried to figure something out with all your might, given up and walked away, and then later after almost forgetting about it you walk back to it and the solution becomes OBVIOUS! Stress and obsession can cloud our mind. Keeping ourselves balanced, I think, actually helps us be more efficient, not less. And something that I'm still learning, believe me, is that taking the time and energy for balance of mind and health is NOT a luxury. Rather, you have to do it, at least a little, or you will stress for days about where you might find a blanket and bench at the same time as you're preparing a blanket and bench for removal to the barn. Seriously.

So now, here they lay. The solutions to my problems, right in front of my eyes even though I was too blind to see. It makes me hopeful, it makes me optimistic. What other solutions might be right in front of my eyes, even though I haven't been able to see them yet.

On ritual and routine

2010-11-17T02:00:00.000-08:00

There's something I've always loved about a routine. But as a parent I seem particularly drawn to ritual. Certain things, involving certain people, certain places, certain things, that are markers, events, moments to honor the cycle that we're all a part of through the seasons and through the years. Fall is so rich for these moments. This season is my favorite. I love the colors. Every time I go driving in October I want to dress entirely in oranges, rusts, browns, reds and goldens. It's the settling in after summer. It's the busy preparations before the Holidays, before Winter. We took just an hour or two on a busy Sunday afternoon not too long ago to go visit a local farm and their corn maze, and mark the season with some family. Absolutely glorious, in its simple, fun, beautiful and textured way...

reflections

2010-11-16T03:19:00.000-08:00

on Progress

2010-11-15T02:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I hear of other people "renovating" their homes I get discouraged. Sometimes when I hear friends tell me of all the great things they're doing with their houses, or show me pictures of their new living room, or tell me about their new roof, it makes me tired. It's not that I don't find pleasure in hearing or seeing it, but their progress makes me feel like the turtle in the race with the hare.

The house we live in is our home... for now. I tend to have to feel at home wherever I am, but this house was bought out of necessity. When we moved in it needed new septic, new electric, new heating, and there were questions about whether it needed new water. But it was also a sad house, a huge house in which the windows hadn't been opened in years, trash was piled up on the inside, behind the house trash was piled up against the building past the windows...

This poor house, built in around 1840-50, most likely had about a hundred years of solace. But since then it has a sad history, and when we moved in it showed. Practically nothing of the original "feeling" had been preserved, rooms torn apart, new rooms added, old molding butchered and new paneling added, additions added and not well done. Basically it had been messed with.

So I moved into this house out of necessity, we spent 6 months working our tales off to make it livable (taking who knows how many trips to the dump, scrubbing with more vinegar and bleach than I ever thought possible, and painting for the sheer psychological purpose), and we haven't really stopped working on it since. That was about 3 1/2 years ago. Little by little, each thing by hand, we're clearing, painting, tearing out or adding, and fixing the house up. It was bought as an investment, our shot at what we really want, a farm somewhere out there with a little bit of land to root ourselves into. And I would be lying if I said there weren't times, probably many, that I hated this house. It doesn't suit me, it's 20 feet from a paved road, there are power lines right out from and no great place for a garden, and it takes up every square second of our time. When my husband get's off work and gets home, Fridays at 7pm to Mondays at 7am are usually packed just to get in the necessities, and the fantasy of a real weekend makes us delirious. But also, I love this house. It is our chance. It is our investment for the future, and it has made a lot of things possible. It gave me the room to set up a little sewing/working/writing room. It gave us a place for my son to be born. But somehow more meaningful to me, I feel like I'm fostering this house. It's not my forever home, and I know we will probably part ways, nor will I be completely heartbroken by it. Because, I feel I am nurturing it back to it's full potential, helping it heal from the past 50 years, letting it become more of what it once was. And I actually think about who will end up here, what they will find...

With every piece of paneling we pry off the walls, discovering unknown original wainscoting behind, with every weird built in bookshelf we pry out, discovering an unknown passageway, with every piece of ceiling tile we remove, restoring the height and feel of a room, with every new electrical issue we find(scary!) and resolve, with every square foot of care we give to the ground around it... with every little thing we do somehow the true, sweet, cape cod farmhouse that was once this house begins to emerge. The land has been sold off piece by piece, the road has been built, the power lines have been brought in, but somehow this house was still there, buried under all the mess.

I get so tired of all the work, but to be honest, the work has been almost a spiritual practice. It's really hard to be patient. After each big project, knowing there are so many more, I doubt my endurance. But learning to walk through it, deal with all the stress, the unknown and the work of living in the midst of it, and making that midst a safe and happy home for a toddler at the same time, teaches me patience, perseverance, and gratitude. Because I'm enormously grateful for this place. I'm grateful that we found each other, and that I got to help the house, and the house got to help me. Hard work is worth it, both because I think it's good for people, and because there's usually some kind of a reward. I don't know entirely what our reward will be, how long I'll be here, how old my son will be if or when we move away. But for however long, for whatever reason, for now this is my home, and learning to live in it, learning to be in the moment and not just accept but find purpose in the what and the why behind that moment, teaches me peace and resilience.

Life is hard, and our rewards are usually fantastic, but sometimes I feel like it's all we see, everyone's rewards. So here I'm sharing a little bit of the work, the unfinished, the midst, because we're all in the midst of something, some kind of work, some kind of stress. And in that camaraderie I hope we can all find a bit of inspiration to keep going.

(running out of time to paint the outside, to protect it from the weather
we're trying to finish priming the trim... )

One moment

2010-11-12T02:37:00.000-08:00

Again inspired by Soulemama, one moment from the week. This moment, this pic, I know I will love when that little hand becomes big. As much as I've tried to get my little boy to love a teddy, a doll, a blanket, a woobie, an anything... his only texture of comfort, the only thing he'll take, is my hair. When he rides on my back I've gotten so accustomed to his little strokes and grabs, pulling gently at the little hairs at the back of my neck. It is these kinds of details, the feel of him on my back, the size of his hand in mine, the sound of his breath, all the little things I take in with my senses that I know I will remember when I look back on pictures.

Loving Fall, Looking at Winter

2010-11-11T02:20:00.000-08:00

It's almost 5:30 in the morning and it's still deeply dark outside. When I lit the fire an hour ago it was cold enough that the feel of the flames beginning warmed the front of my legs. I used to go for a 4:45 walk in the afternoon. Now it's dark at that time. We had to insulate our laundry room, which has been "under construction" because it was too cold. The blankets have been unpacked, the slippers have been discovered from where they were abandoned several months before. In short, Fall has arrived, and is quickly slipping away into winter. I love Fall. It's beauty, it's breath, it's signal of a time to rest. In new England, just the sheer drama of the change that it brings somehow always partly catches me off guard, surprising me just a little bit with how bare the trees really get, how low the rays of sun really are in the morning, no longer rising quickly. I love it. And I even love the winter as well. Half the year - actually more, is really winter around her. Come February and March it does get old, but after such a busy summer, such a time of sun, activity, movement, people, all of these outward activities, the homebody that I am just luxuriates in the early darkness. Promising hours by a fire, quiet moments reading on a couch, more time to be with my family, rather than all the doing, gives me a promise of rest that is greatly appreciated. I love Fall, and now that I have time to speak my love for it, it slips away quietly, like a gracious visitor who leaves just as you were really enjoying her company.

Just some belated Halloween tidbits...

2010-11-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

The thing about kids... Holidays become even more fun.

Shifting, and being grateful for today.

2010-11-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes time shifts us. Moving us along through things that are possibly beyond what we think we're ready for. I think when this happens, when it feels like things happen too fast, too violent, too unexpectedly, too... too anything... it might be because we're shifting into a new chapter, one that we may not have imagined we would go on, or thought we were ready for.

The last several months have felt fast. They've felt, to be honest, beyond what I was capable of. There were many days that I just knew, knew, that if I had to do one more house repair, pull one more all-nighter or late night, give up one more chance to do the things I felt like I had to do, for the things that were somehow even more pressing, I would just collapse. Just emotionally or physically fall to the floor in disbelief. It felt like I had been on a roller coaster. One that I wanted to go on, but didn't know how jumpy it would be, how rickety the rails were that held me to the track, or that I wouldn't be able to get off for miles. My son, as busy and as sleepless as he can be is in some ways my solace through this. He is my purpose. And while he keeps me busy and sometimes stressed, it is everything else that was overwhelming me.

Well, I think I was moving through the clunky end of a chapter, and was supposed to move into the next. It's been a bumpy ride and I was not always a willing participant. Nor is the ride over, but I think I can see the smooth loops and hills. This roller coaster may climb one more steep hill, or turn me upside down again, but I can see to the other side, so I don't think I'll be screaming this time.

This past week was completely overwhelming, completely hilarious. It was completely obvious that a shift was happening. Within my friends and immediate family we've had one death, one birth, one theft, one breakdown, one crash down to reality, one illness scare, the discovery of another, one betrayal and one enormous gift and blessing, several new ideas and the end of several others. It's been a whirlwind. It seems to be coming to a bit of an and. My energy seems to be slipping slowly back to me. I feel a bit less like a basket of eggs that might drop.

I guess the point of my hopefully not whiney rambling is that these shifts happen. Death happens, but so does birth, and love and struggle and hope. Dreams really do come true, but some don't. Life is short. That is something that I feel acutely this week. Life is a blessing. Every day is a whole pocket of time and breath and life and movement. And even though these shifts, these things that happen in our lives can feel like they knock us off balance, or throw us off our path, sometimes the one we find instead is more beautiful, and our footing is more sturdy from the practice walking (and falling). And after all, even if it's an ugly path, it's the one we're now on. So if we have today, and there's no definite tomorrow, we might as well make our way through with as much purpose and joy as possible.

Everything in its own time.

2010-11-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

I will be back very soon. I'm going to try to commit to posting every day. At least a little bit. I've been working on clearing out, streamlining, getting ready for the big bold space of winter when I get to do lots of things inside. Refocusing, Reimagining. So, I'll be back, posting (hopefully) every day, (hopefully) beginning later this week...

My feelings, written and sung by the Indigo Girls, in "Everything in its own time"...

A moment from this week

2010-10-15T02:00:00.000-07:00

There might be no people in this pic, but to me it just smells of Fall. And that brings with it more than a moment for me, but an entire atmosphere. I love the red leaves, I love the crispy sound underneath when I walk on them, I love the wet pavement from the early morning fog.

Inspired by Soulemama, check out other moments here.

Infallibility, or the lack thereof

2010-10-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

This thing happens when you have kids. It happens other times too, but seems particularly soul shattering when you look at your child. Once my son was here I realized, I am definitely not infallible. After my son was born I remember wondering why I hadn't read in any of those mothering magazines, memoirs or parenting books that while holding my newborn son I would be riddled with a complete lack of confidence. I came to realize that I can't do everything, only my best.

But sometimes when I look into the tiny eyes of my son and know that I can't make everything perfect all the time, it's hard. My sweet boy is teething really badly. He's really hardly ever been very sick, and I've been able to nurse him through teething, both physically and metaphorically. I've been a lucky parent, in that I've very rarely seen my boy in discomfort that I couldn't take care of. But there's only so much you can do.

It's the moments of insecurity, of imperfection, and yes, even of pain, that make the real things seem important. When he was born, his tiny hands, grasping near his dad's just hours after he was born... there will be a part of me that will always remember him this way, think of him this way, even when he towers above me. And it is in his moments of discomfort, and my inability to do very much for him, that the treasure that is my love for him seems most profound. For it is an amazing thing, something that has forever changed me, forever blessed me, and given my heart a new capacity for joy.

So now I leave the day behind and go upstairs to bed where I'll be just an arms reach away if he wakens needing something. And this night, I have to say, I won't mind at all if he does.